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0 By Amysboarderlineworld
Before I begin this post, please note that it could be a trigger to you if you suffer with self-harming. Please look after yourself, and if you are not in a ‘good’ or strong enough place, then save ‘When self-harm returned’ for another day.
I have been so long now without having to resort to any kind of self-harm. It was so long without doing it that the thought of doing it again was so far off in my mind, I seriously could not imagine bruising or cutting my skin again. That is, until just a few days ago.
I am terrified to post this
Now firstly, let me just put out there how terrified I am to post this. I am so scared that people are going to judge me. That they are going to laugh and mock me. What if they are disgusted by me? Or what if they just plain avoid and ignore me? Honestly, my heart is pounding! But, as I’ve said again and again, I do this for the readers of this blog. So many of whom – I know because you contact me – say that these open and honest blog posts are what help the most. Not sugar-coated or just part of the story: open, honest and real. So, for you guys, here goes…
Let me just say that I have spent the last 2/3 weeks surviving on around 2 hours sleep a night. My baby is teething and has had a cold, and then on top of that he can’t sleep because of the heat! I am so exhausted I am barely functioning. I’m being let down time and time again by the sh**ty mental health team in my area, and I honestly feel like I am drowning. I am clinging on for dear life, but I don’t know how much longer I can physically hold on for.
I lost it!
Friday night hit a peak for me. I was exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally. I had yet another of my CPN meetings cancelled even though I am desperate. My baby had spent the entire day screaming, and my 5 year old whinged and moaned about everything the second I collected him from school. I went to bed at 7.30 that evening, with a headache and earache, praying that I would at least get 3–4 hours in before first wake-up – but no!
9.10 pm, he woke up screaming. I eventually got him back down, then, before I managed to fall back to sleep, he was up again at 11 pm. I got him down to sleep pretty quickly, but he was awake again at 12.20. My husband had fallen asleep downstairs on the sofa so missed all of this. I then, quite honestly – lost it! I went down to my husband and demanded he take over. How dare he sleep when I’m dealing with all of this (bearing in mind he had done most of the night feeds the previous night, and had no idea what was going on). I gave our baby to him, and he went upstairs.
The only solution was in the kitchen drawer
I was so full of rage, stress, anxiety and exhaustion I felt like I might explode. Pacing up and down the living room, I couldn’t catch my breath. The only one thing that came into my mind, the only thing I knew was guaranteed to stop these feelings, was in the kitchen drawer. So without a second thought, I got it and self-harmed. Over and over again until the emotional pain had stopped. And it did pretty quickly.
The thing with self harm, for me, is I can barely feel it at the time. I can feel it a little but not as much as if I were doing at a ‘normal’ time. It just seems to take the pain away. It was like a breath of fresh air. I could breathe again, and within a few minutes I honestly felt a lot better. It sounds stupid, ridiculous, weird even, but it’s true.
I felt better until I returned back upstairs to bed when it all started stinging and really hurting. But I did manage to go to sleep. I slept for 2 hours before his next wake up.
The realisation of what I had done hit me
Then the morning arrived, when the realisation of what I had done hit me. My legs are now in such a mess I can’t wear shorts or anything above the knee. I can’t even go swimming with my sons now! This is where the anger and guilt kicks in. Anger, because I hate doing this and can’t believe I ended up doing it again! And guilt, because now, when my little boy asks me to go swimming with him – like I promised – I can’t! I’m furious at myself. I’m disgusted with myself and what I have done!
When self-harm returned this time, it was the perfect solution to what was happening at the time. Until everything settled and I truly realised what I had done. I hate, HATE the fact I self harm. I’ve done it since I was a child, and it was, and is, my way of coping with very difficult emotions and feelings. I know I need therapy to help me, but if you’ve read my other blogs recently you will know it’s impossible for me to do because I have children!
I’m really hoping that this is not going to happen again for a very long time. I am well aware that without the right help and support it is not just going to stop, so I know it’s inevitable that it will happen if I am overwhelmed to that extent again. It is so sad, but it’s true.
Fighting stigma and judgement
My reasons for self-harm may be very different to yours, or to someone’s you know, but I can almost guarantee that they are feeling the same as me: embarrassed, stupid, pathetic, alone, in pain emotionally as well as possibly physically. Please refrain from judging. It’s not fun. We don’t do it to get attention. We are angry and upset with ourselves enough, without anyone else’s judgement. If you are worried and do want to help, then just being there means more than you will realise. Please do also be mindful of whether you or your friend/loved one needs hospital treatment, and seek this straight away. The hospital will not judge you. They are there to make sure you do not need stitches or further treatment to heal properly.
Self-harm is a scary thing to talk about, but hopefully this will help some of you out there. The more we talk and make things ‘normal’, the less stigma there will be.
Stay strong, stay safe,
Love Amy xxx
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Reproduced with permission, originally posted here: amysboarderlineworld.com
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