It’s still hard to admit I am struggling.
I have never found it easy (or possible at all) to ask for help. To say “I’m stuck” or “I’m struggling”.
It doesn’t matter what it was regarding. Work, housework, mental or physical health, I just believe I should be able to do those things. I should be able to get on with these things in my life the way that everyone else does without bothering people or being a burden.
How Selfish Would I be to Talk About My Struggles?
How selfish would I be to talk about my ‘struggles’ when there are so many other people out there who have it much worse than I do?
This kind of thinking is depression at its worst. Making you believe you shouldn’t ask for help, and that you’re not worthy of help. As you begin to work through recovery you learn to challenge these thought patterns, and for some people it can change quite quickly, but for me it’s still something I struggle with and find extremely difficult.
I Hate Struggling
I hate struggling or not being able to do the things I feel I should be able to do. I have, every now and again, been in an okay enough place to ask for guidance with little things, but I always feel awful for doing it and end up apologizing.
More often than not, when it comes to me struggling, when my moods start to dip, and the black clouds begin to descend, I just cannot do it. I cannot say “I’m struggling, please help me!” I sincerely have tried on occasions, but I find it harder to do the longer I’ve been feeling okay.
There are Two Reasons It is Hard to Ask for Help
There are two reasons it is hard to ask for help when I’m sliding back into depression.
First, it’s admitting that I am failing and taking a massive step back. It feels like I am letting everyone around me down.
Second, people just aren’t there for me anymore. When I am well, or have been for a while, they think that must be it, and they don’t understand how I could be ill again. Ver sadly, I have found that unless I am in crisis people just aren’t there for me. I must add here that I do have one or two exceptions to this rule in my life who are amazing, but generally speaking people around me assume a lot.
People Assume a Lot
People assume that because are getting on with life with a smile on your face, planning things, and going out that you are fine. They think that it must mean that you are okay. The texts and messages stop, the phone calls stop, and the well-meaning checking up on you becomes non-existent. Even when I pluck up the courage and hint at the fact I might be struggling or deteriorating, there is a very quick comeback of “You’ll be ok. You’ve got through worse”.
I have found I am just not taken seriously.
This may be me being really selfish, and it probably is, my expecting everyone to see how I am feeling. I don’t know, all I know is that relapse is a very lonely place to be in.
Burying My Feelings and Emotions is Dangerous
Burying my feeling and emotions is dangerous and I know that, but when the darkness creeps in and I can’t ask for help through fear of being rejected again, burying them is what I resort to. It’s all I know to do because I don’t want to disappoint, burden, or bother others.
That’s why It’s still hard to admit I’m struggling.
To my friends and family I say, you all want me to be okay and be superwoman, okay, done. That’s exactly what I shall be, on the outside at least.
Lots of love to you all
Reproduced with permission, originally published here