I feel like I’m drowning. A bad day has turned into another, another & another. Days go by and my hope is still there for tomorrow to be a better day. My interests have been lost and it feels like forever. I try to push and I can do something for a hour or so and then I need to give up because I feel like I’m a failing. I no longer sleep. I have become a vampire, the sun comes up and that is when I will finally be able to sleep. The sun hurts; my skin so pale I look like I’m dead.
I’m drowning and every one is watching but no one can hear my cries, gasping for air, I can’t breathe; I need to pretend I can swim but I’m struggling to keep afloat. My legs are going weak, becoming numb, losing all hope anyone can save me.
Every one is stood there watching and seeing this girl who is putting on a show, crying wolf. Never felt so alone. I thought crying and screaming for help would finally get them to come to terms and see the weights that are keeping me tied down, so I drown.
When you ask for help and talk, I thought things were meant to be easier? But so far they think it’s a light switch, swimming pool closing time , “come on, get your self out!” “I understand but the quicker you get out of it and walk it off the better”
Once I’m out I’m safe in doors, in bed, where I can hide and no one can get to me, hurt me, see me cry. The outside world is so scary to me and I feel like I’m drowning every time when I’m outside; the people, cars, public transport, PEOPLE! I CANT COPE! my head goes fuzzy, my legs go weak, I feel lost, where am I? Where do I go? Too many people! What are they thinking?! I look ugly! Keep staring at the floor don’t want anyone to think your staring!
I’m lucky I have this one life guard that can save me when I’m drowning, when I am at my most uncomfortable. My boyfriend, he will always tell my family the truth about me and how deep I am getting into that dark blue water, drowning, standing on my tip toes! When he does this the weights become lighter and I can swim to the surface and my family are now coming to terms this is now a light switch. I can not turn this off, I have a mental illness. A demon. We can fight this all together now and so far my doggie paddle has improved and I don’t feel like I’m drowning as much now. 😂
Your mind is so clever but at the same time it’s too clever and can play tricks with those little demons there and it led me to think I was alone, drowning, on a one way route that seem to be like it was going to be short. But I was honest and I pushed and spoke about it, my boyfriend helped, at first it seemed tits up but now I know it’s going to get better from now on. I am not alone.
Reproduced with permission, originally posted here