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0 By Sara-Jane Morphew
I am a Highly Sensitive Person. A highly sensitive introvert, in fact. I am not going to lie, sometimes it makes being in the ‘real’ world pretty difficult. It must be even harder to learn how to love a Highly Sensitive Person. Let alone a highly sensitive introvert with depression and anxiety.
So what does being a Highly Sensitive Person mean?
Well, for me it means a number of things, including:
The world is too loud
On an average day, a day where there is getting kids to school, work, picking kids up, homework, tea and time with the husband, talking about our days, that is enough.
By the end of the day, when my husband wants to turn the telly up to get the most out of his programme, I am turning it down! I have had enough volume for one day.
Also, I cannot stand repetitive sound (especially from kids’ toys!) and I usually cannot cope with programmes with lots of gunshots or sword fighting: that kind of thing. Noises like toy trains, or my son repeating the same word over and over again.
All the unnecessary noise feels like it is invading my brain. Hurting my ears and invading my head. Sometimes the world just is too noisy – too much talking, too many demands on our ears.
Tugs, pulls, pokes, kisses
I love hugs, just not too many, please! I have two small children, and as you can imagine, my day when they are not in school is full of tugs, pulls, pokes, kisses and being sat on.
The same is true for work, although to a lesser degree – the children are less needy!
Sometimes if I’m particularly tired of the world, each touch feels like it is draining my essence. It is invading my personal space. By the end of the day, sometimes I feel like I need a hamster ball to get into, to reestablish some personal space.
In social situations, please don’t force a Highly Sensitive Person to hug you, do air kisses and such.
Either we have had enough physical contact for that moment in time, or we just don’t feel the emotional connection to do so.
But I love a hug. Many people believe that we don’t, I think, and avoid giving us hugs. I suppose in case we break down in their arms. But a well-timed hug means a lot. And thank you to those people, you know who you are!
I struggle with conflict
Being highly sensitive means that I ‘feel the room’. I pick up on all the tensions, arguments, even the sideways glances you’d think no one had seen.
I’m sure I have struggled in workplaces because of the ‘atmosphere’.
I feel it so deeply, it can make going to work or to certain places almost unbearable. It takes me a long time to recover from the feeling – to shake off the feeling of a room. Arguments that have absolutely nothing to do with me still affect me for a long time.
I actively avoid arguments, disagreements and tension, myself, because of this. I use humour to diffuse, a lot; the rest of the time I do what I can to please people, to my own detriment. I go along with a lot, and end up holding a lot of resentment; rehearsed conversations sit in my head. These conversations are never to be said, never to be voiced, just to keep the peace, to avoid the conflict.
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I seem quiet
Well, I seem to be really quiet. In certain situations, large groups, noisy places I will be quiet.
Meeting new people is hard. I cannot introduce myself to people or approach people in a room – this is my introverted side. But once I am introduced and have spent some time watching and listening, usually, eventually, I will join in. I have loads of things I love to talk about and have opinions on. Just give me a chance to rehearse them and speak. I can be quite entertaining.
I am always tired and struggle to sleep
My brain works on overdrive. Generally my brain is always thinking, usually of the next task that needs to happen; lists run through my head all day long. And even if that side is quiet, I am usually ruminating over a conversation, an event that happened 15 years ago or a funny look from a stranger.
Even though I am exhausted from a day of peopling and thinking, it doesn’t turn off and I often get a very restless sleep. This makes me feel constantly exhausted – I fall asleep sat on the sofa or in the passenger seat of the car. It may seem that I am lazy. I am always napping or sleeping, having lie-ins, struggling to get out of bed. That is mostly because I cannot remember the last time I had a restful night’s sleep – you know, when you just go to sleep at night and wake up in the morning.
I cannot make decisions
I cannot, mostly because I am afraid of making the wrong choice. Decisions that involve others are hard, because I always avoid conflict and want to please people. For example, I cannot choose where to eat dinner in case I make the wrong choice and it’s a terrible place and everyone hates it. I also cannot make decisions for myself. Give me a restaurant menu, and I cannot choose what I want. Also I struggle to listen to my own desires and wants, over the noise of my brain.
I am a good listener
Highly Sensitive People are excellent listeners and often turn out to be counselors or teachers. My counselor is a self proclaimed Highly Sensitive Person and an over-listener.
However, even though being excellent listeners makes us desirable friends to others, we are prone to over-listening. We give too much ear, meaning we don’t talk. That means our own voices get lost and we become mute friends. It means forgetting we have our own opinions, our own voices.
If those we love get used to us always listening, it can become even harder to get our voices heard. When they get used to us always taking on what they have to say, this can be difficult to change. Also, by over-listening I can overload my volume intake for the day, because we actively listen. We take on all the emotions, facial expressions, body language, and it can be very draining, very noisy.
Sometimes we just need to stop listening.
How to love a Highly Sensitive Person
How do you love someone who is highly sensitive?
We are all different; get to know your own sensitive person’s little foibles.
Please speak in your indoor voice by the end of the day. No loud noises please! Don’t shout at us, ever! I know we can be infuriating, I know we can make mistakes but please don’t shout.
Please make some decisions for us, but not all of them! If we are making dinner plans and it’s been a long day or it’s a last minute decision, just take me somewhere to eat or give me a few hours to decide.
Turn the volume down once in a while, on the telly and in life. Spend an evening reading a book, or something similar, a quiet activity rather than the telly on full blast.
If you can’t find a human-size hamster ball, please give us space! And please don’t be offended if we say ‘No, thank you’ to a hug. We might be ok in a little while and ready for a hug, but if the poking and prodding continues, a hamster ball may have to be found.
Please be patient
Please make sure we do some of the talking. That doesn’t mean asking us questions to get us to talk, but just making sure there are gaps in the narrative that we can start to fill with our own. Maybe talk about things we are interested in, to get us started. Be patient. We may be hard to get to know, but we are worth it.
Don’t be surprised or hurt when we don’t want to spend time with you. We love you but we need solitude, time alone to recharge our batteries. We need rest, quiet, time away – and more than you think!
So that’s it, that’s all, not much to keep your Highly Sensitive Person happy and healthy.
From Lala, with love xx
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