What shall I do with myself Getting back to work
By Sara-Jane Morphew

So, today those thoughts of the future are creeping back in.  I’m not content with just feeling a bit better.  The pressure begins: I need to make use of myself and get back to work.  “What am I going to do?”  This phrase goes round and around my head in different forms.  I suppose it stemmed from receiving a letter today from my employer about a meeting to discuss how I am doing and what my plans are.  So I have to think, can I go back?  Full time?  Part time?  Not at all?

Will I be ok if I go back to work?

And then the scary thoughts happen.  Will I be ok if I go back to work?  If not, maybe I should apply for a new job. I’m not qualified to do anything else!  I can’t apply for a new job; who would employ me?  It’s safe where I am, in some ways, as long as they change some things, surely I’ll be ok?  But will I?  Maybe I should change, but to what?  I wonder what I can do?  What will make me happy?  What will make me feel like I’m contributing something to the world?  I need to feel valuable.

Who would employ me now?

Who would employ me now?   I don’t want to not tell a new employer about my depression and anxiety, but let’s be honest.  They will choose someone else, given the choice!  And I don’t want to work for someone that wouldn’t be ok with it.  Why am I even thinking this?  I can’t apply for jobs, what would I do?  How could I actually fill out the form, let alone go to an interview?  I can’t even decide what I would apply for.

One step at a time

Round and around it goes!

Fingers crossed for sleep.  Sorry, Tim, I think I’ll be grinding my teeth tonight!  One step at a time, occupational health tomorrow and go from there.  Sorry for the brain dump.  Look after yourselves.

From Lala, with love xx

Reproduced with permission, originally published here

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