So, today those thoughts of the future are creeping back in. I’m not content with just feeling a bit better. The pressure begins: I need to make use of myself and get back to work. “What am I going to do?” This phrase goes round and around my head in different forms. I suppose it stemmed from receiving a letter today from my employer about a meeting to discuss how I am doing and what my plans are. So I have to think, can I go back? Full time? Part time? Not at all?
Will I be ok if I go back to work?
And then the scary thoughts happen. Will I be ok if I go back to work? If not, maybe I should apply for a new job. I’m not qualified to do anything else! I can’t apply for a new job; who would employ me? It’s safe where I am, in some ways, as long as they change some things, surely I’ll be ok? But will I? Maybe I should change, but to what? I wonder what I can do? What will make me happy? What will make me feel like I’m contributing something to the world? I need to feel valuable.
Who would employ me now?
Who would employ me now? I don’t want to not tell a new employer about my depression and anxiety, but let’s be honest. They will choose someone else, given the choice! And I don’t want to work for someone that wouldn’t be ok with it. Why am I even thinking this? I can’t apply for jobs, what would I do? How could I actually fill out the form, let alone go to an interview? I can’t even decide what I would apply for.
One step at a time
Round and around it goes!
Fingers crossed for sleep. Sorry, Tim, I think I’ll be grinding my teeth tonight! One step at a time, occupational health tomorrow and go from there. Sorry for the brain dump. Look after yourselves.
From Lala, with love xx
Reproduced with permission, originally published here