I’m lying in bed, all the boys are up, and all I can think is ‘I don’t want to get up’. I just don’t want this day to start. I’m feeling the need to say sorry as well about a blog post I wrote last night. I didn’t read over it much so I think it was a bit manic, but that is how my brain gets sometimes. It just goes round and round, and I cannot prevent the brain fog.
Nothing makes sense and it’s all jumbled, so probably my post was a bit jumbled and manic. My brain’s calmer this morning, but it doesn’t want to get the day started.
Brain fog and fear
Occupational health today. I wonder what that will bring? The fear of the unknown is quite strong when it comes to anything to do with work. I feel so uncertain about everything that is to do with work. I feel very nervous about those feelings.
Will I be able to cope? What will I be persuaded to do? I think that is the crux: I feel so weak with regard to work, but I feel so much stronger with the rest I’ve had that I find it unnerving. Will they see me today as feeling better, and recommend I go back to work straight away? My life is in someone else’s hands, potentially, and I don’t like it.
I’m not good at saying no
While I am off work, I decide what I need and what is good for me, and I can pick and choose what to do or not, but in work that isn’t possible. Things have to be done at certain times! And I am not good at saying no, so when people ask me to do something, I do it, regardless of whether it is too much for me at that moment. Ok…
1. Get up
2. Get showered
3. Get boys to school
4. Have breakfast in Plum Vanilla with Tim ?
5. Go to occupational health, see what happens!
I’m up, showered and dressed, in the middle of the school run, and the butterflies have moved into my chest again! Bugger! One simple meeting can just throw me off so much!
Oh no, wait …its cancelled!!
I did not sleep a wink last night!
Just need to enjoy my breakfast in my favourite place and think what to do with the rest of my morning…lemon polenta cake baking, you say… Ok!
So it’s now Thursday, and I did not sleep a wink last night!
I had a meeting yesterday about William, in William’s school with his teacher, play therapist, headteacher, school nurse and me. Not overwhelming at all! Actually I felt OK going in. I wasn’t nervous or shaky, I wasn’t having palpitations, all good!
Out of my depth
Once I was in there I realised I was out of my depth. My saving grace was that most of the women present knew of my illness, and so they were very gentle with me. And his play therapist, I think, noticed I was starting to struggle, and so took over a lot of the talking. Thank you. At one point someone just asked too many questions all at once. Brain fog kicked in and I couldn’t remember any of the answers.
It just goes to show that if people know of a condition or struggle, they will accommodate you. And if they don’t know, well, it is not their fault. In the end it was a positive meeting, and I think some good referrals are being made for him. It’s just a case of playing the waiting game and keeping going, now!
Playing the waiting game
My main concern with William at the moment is his self-belief. It is so low that he just assumes he will fail at everything. He is highly sensitive, like me, and so he feels everything so deeply. Any cross word, any wrong look will linger with him for a long time. I need to build his self esteem. Not easy to do when yours is so low! If anyone has any ideas, please let me know. You would think that having worked with children for 10 years I would be able to do this for my own children, apparently not! And you can imagine what this is doing for me!
Anyway, so last night I didn’t sleep, because as usual I was going over every word, comment, look that occurred in this meeting. Blow for blow, judging what I said and did and what they might have been thinking of me. And, how ridiculous did I sound? What did I forget to say? And what did they say, again?
“And how would you do all this if you were in work?”
Luckily I have a parents evening with the the teacher next week, so I can go over it all with her again. This is just an average day, it seems, for us at the moment. Appointments and meetings seem to fill my weeks. I go from week to week, going over them in my head, forgetting who said what, and when, and whatever I said to this person already, and have I told this person? Brain fog!
Next week I have 6 appointments in 3 days! I will definitely need my daily chart and a note pad! My dad said to me the other day, “And how would you do all this if you were in work?” Good question dad, good question!
From Lala, with love xx
Reproduced with permission, originally published here