My Puppeteer

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By Clara Rose

When people hear the term enabler, they probably think of someone who pushes their victim into drug abuse. However, after consulting a dictionary, I have discovered that an enabler is a person who facilitates any self destructive behaviour of another individual. It has taken a long time for me to realise that someone I believed in was in fact my enabler…

I have been suffering from depression for the best part of 2 years now, and I wouldn’t have got through it without the support of my best friend. They would make me feel important and like I mattered to them. They wouldn’t let me be alone, they would stay up with me until 3am to discuss my thoughts, they would let me cry on their shoulder.

But over the past couple of months, things changed. Other close friends came up to me and said how they thought my best friend was taking advantage of my vulnerable state. That they were pushing me towards every relapse. That they were emotionally manipulating me. I didn’t believe this, why would I?! I loved this person more than anyone else in the entire world and they made me feel like they loved me back.

Then more recently, the logical side of my brain twigged that there may be some truth in what other people were saying. The behaviour of my best friend triggered warning bells in my head. They were treating me in an unacceptable way. They were emotionally hurting me and whenever I confronted them about it, it was always me who apologised. And when I gave friends further details, they told me to get out as soon as possible.

Yet I don’t see how I can. At the end of the day, my love for them is the strongest feeling I’ve ever felt. I don’t see how I can just let that go. But I don’t see how I am supposed to cope with the torture I receive. I wish there was an easy way out, but there is not one in sight. Right now all I can do is look to the future, for a time when I will be free of my enabler, for a time when I can be me once again.