Life and Death... The Grey Area

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By Anonymous

It’s been a while since I blogged… a rollercoaster of emotions is only the tip of the iceberg!

First, work: I have a new shift pattern which means a new sleep pattern which basically means – I’m back-to-front and inside-out! My job is a night shift carer to those with dementia! This can take its toll on you. Tonight however took a different toll. As with all BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) sufferers I feel things very deeply and have also felt suicidal thoughts. Tonight I watched a resident take their very last breath. I have seen many people dying, and dealt with many dead bodies! But I’ve never been in such an intimate situation where I got to watch it all play out! You’d think this would send me into turmoil… it’s done the very opposite. Whilst I sit here my chest is tight and sore. But I find myself almost being positive. I think when you see death, like, really see it. You realise how final it is.

With depression you are looking for a temporary fix to make the pain go away. I don’t think anyone realises just how final death is. And I know the pain of just wanting it to end, I truly do! But watching that resident leave the mortal world has left me in a very grey area of thinking.

Second, LIFE!: I have had a lot of stress from varying angles! I find when you have mental health issues, suddenly everyone is an expert! People have a copious amount of suggestions of how to make yourself better…

“Have you tried vitamins?”
“Have you tried exercise?”
“You really need to just start getting on with it!”

All valid points, and some days are fighting days and you say no to your illness! But some days are off days, some days are hide-in-bed days! All of this is OK. If one day you need to sleep and have everyone go away then you can! That’s allowed. If you had a cold or a tummy bug you’d be given the validation to do so, so why not when your brain is poorly? Everyone is an expert watching from the outside! I’ts hard but I try to let it wash over me… despite sometimes failing to do that.

I will always feel things to the extreme; I make no apologies for that. It’s ME! And it’s OK!