Becoming a mother saved me from myself

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By Samantha Jones

For over 10 years I was in the depths of mental illness. Every single day. I continually wondered what my purpose was and wondered if the world actually needed me. Yet, since becoming a mother over 8 months ago, I haven’t wanted to die. I haven’t even thought about self-harm, and I wake up with hope. Becoming a mother saved me from myself.

Becoming a mother saved me from myself - For over 10 years I was in the depths of mental illness. Every single day. I wanted to die, but becoming a mother saved me.

Just Trying To Survive

Life was tough. It has shown me things I never want to see again. It taught me things that a child should never have to understand. But I survived, just. It was my goal to get through each hour because I couldn’t dream of living any longer so that is what I did. Hour by hour my life passed, with no purpose and no real drive to achieve. The goal was to survive.

I’m proud of younger me, the one that didn’t know how to cope, the one that turned to self-destruction, the one that tried so hard to end her life. I’m proud because with all her willpower and each hour that she survived, it gave her the tools to face anything that her future self needed, including motherhood.

Becoming A Mother

When I was pregnant I struggled, really struggled. I was lost and full of self-doubt, which was typical of my personality. I couldn’t imagine a baby relying on me when most days I could barely keep myself afloat.

But…

I was born. It wasn’t just my daughter that was born, I was too. My purpose was there in my arms. After years of fighting with death, I now knew why it never happened. I was on this earth to be a mother and with this, I blossomed. With my new perspective, the world was totally different. It wasn’t against me but it was at my side ready to go on this new journey with me.

I Gave Her Life, She Saved Mine

I’d be lying to say that every day is a good one because that’s not achievable to anyone, in my opinion, but there is definitely something good in every single day. I will teach my daughter about my scars and I will teach her to talk about her emotions. I’ll always thank her for saving me. Yes, I may have given her life but she saved mine.