All emotions are important.
The good the bad and the ugly.
Whether it’s joy and excitement or anger and frustration. All are important to feel and acknowledge.
Having BPD this has always been tough for me. Really tough. BPD has meant that I have only ever wanted to show and express feelings of happiness and being well. I did this through fear of judgement and abandonment. If I was to show fear or sadness it would only be if there were others around me doing the same and I felt it would be acceptable. If I thought it was safe and I wouldn’t be thought of as a ‘weirdo’.
Anger is one emotion that I very rarely ever showed. I was extremely ashamed of feeling any anger. Any at all. I would always internalise it. Due to being around a lot of anger throughout my youth I promised myself I would never allow any anger at all into my life. I know realise that this is completely impossible and unhealthy. The only time anger would ever rear it’s ugly head would be when I had held it in for so long that I exploded. Often leading to self harm and even damaging my property. Not good. Not healthy.
It’s only been very recently that I have begun to show and even share my emotions. Not all of the time but I am certainly getting better. It’s still really hard but I know I have to try. I have to for my own mental health but also for other peoples. If I can speak out and help people feel less alone with their thoughts and feelings and help others understand I feel that less people will suffer in silence.
I recently attended a social event with my husband that was extremely sad and very very busy. When we returned home that evening my husband asked me “How are you feeling?” Now I was about to answer in my usual way; “I’m fine/ok” But I took a breath and actually thought for a moment before I answered;
Stressed, anxious, overwhelmed, exhausted, angry, sad, worried.
Yep all at once! Welcome to BPD!
He then went on to ask why. Well it was tough but I answered, leaving my poor husband with a look of complete shock on his face. He just couldn’t understand why I was feeling these feelings. I explained. I apologised. I tried to take it all back then tried to explain again! He did begin to understand a few of my points but the majority of what I was saying remains a complete mystery to him.
At first, I’ll be honest, it really annoyed me! “Why can he not just understand!” Now however, I have thought about it and do feel differently. It’s ok that he (or others) don’t understand 100%. How could he? He’s never been through any of what I am going through. The important thing is that he listens. He is always there and he always listens. He asks me how I am feeling because he wants to know the answer – the real answer. I am so blessed to have him.
All emotions are important and I truly believe this. I believe that you need to be more open and honest with yourself about how you are feeling. Whether you do it on your own and notice fluttering in your tummy or a pounding heart, ask yourself – How do I feel right now? Why? and remember that whatever the answer – IT’S OK!
When a close friend, family member or someone you trust asks you how you are then stop and think about it. Don’t go into auto pilot with – I’m OK. Really take a few moments to think about it and try and be honest. Their response might be one of shock – especially if you are always saying you are fine or OK – but that too it OK. This is the start of you opening up and letting things out. You can’t keep things inside forever. Eventually you will explode, internally or externally both are extremely harmful.
Like I said all emotions are important and valid. Please don’t bottle them up anymore!
Love Amy xx
Republished with permission, originally published at the excellent www.amysborderlineworld.com