What I want you to know

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By Lisa Lewis-Martin

The most misunderstood and stigmatised mental illness?

I have Borderline Personality Disorder. This is probably the most misunderstood and stigmatised mental illness ever! I suffered trauma and abandonment in my younger years. I still have trauma and abandonment issues now, along with lack of trust, love, etc for anybody, in case it happens to me again.

I’m often triggered, so I lash out, with bitterness, with tears, with anger or with rage. I cannot control it, yet, until I’ve learnt how to. I think in Black & White, it’s all good or all bad.

Plans, appointments, etc, often get cancelled because the mindset I was in yesterday to do something has now gone the next day. I tend to want to stay in most of the time, due to anxiety and not wanting to get into a bad BPD episode if somebody or something gets me mad.

Who am I?

I have no idea who I am. I change my look, my mannerisms, my personality, to what and how I feel at one particular time. My way of thinking changes all the time. I get obsessed with items or people, but then in the next few weeks, that’ll change to something or someone else.

I am very passionate about the things that I like – I love too much, I hate too much. My mind is a constant rollercoaster, going up and down, round and round, all the time. It’s these things and so much more.

There are so many formulas I have, having BPD. If it’s exhausting to you, then please try to imagine how I feel!