If you have Borderline Personality Disorder, you know how much of a struggle it is to live day-to-day. Like me, you find hints of rejection and abandonment in almost every conversation you have with people. You over-analyse every facial expression and every word spoken to you.
It is exhausting, but it’s not something we can magically stop doing, even once we’re aware of it.
Due to living with Borderline Personality Disorder, we sometimes have a FP, favourite person.
A Favourite Person is Someone to Whom we are Emotionally Attached
To me, a favourite person is someone you are hopelessly emotionally attached to. Often, it is the person you fear abandonment and rejection from the most. The fear of losing that person is 10x more intense than the fear of losing anyone else in your life. They consume your every thought, and you make up imaginary scenarios in your head involving them. Sometimes you may have fantasies about them, and you may get angry at them for things that haven’t even happened. It may even turn into a full-blown obsession. Your FP is the one you split on, or idealise and devalue, the most.
Favorite Persons Can Be Anyone
A favorite person can be anyone: a friend, a family member, a significant other, doctors, or even therapists.
In my case, my FP always ended up being my therapist. I’ve been with my therapist for over a year now. I’ve gone to extremes to convey to her how dependent I am with her. I habitually have threatened suicide countless times, self-harmed over her, and have engaged in other harmful acts to express my dependency and helplessness.
When I don’t get the reaction or the emotional nurturance I crave so badly from her, that is where the overwhelming feelings of rejection and abandonment come into play. I split and avoid seeing her or talking to her for weeks.
After these meltdowns, I feel guilty for being so mad and hateful towards her, so I beg her not to terminate my therapy and tell her how badly I feel about being so mean.
I’m sure it’s draining for her, but it’s also terribly draining for me, as well.
My Behavior Isn’t Healthy
I’m aware that it isn’t healthy, yet I can’t help it. This fact consequently makes everything worse.
Being self-aware of your actions creates a horrendous battle in your head between your rational mind and the borderline part of your mind. It can send you into a deep depression where you don’t leave your bed for days. What can follow are episodes of rage, or it can make you dissociate and go completely numb. You begin to hate yourself and your sensitivity to rejection, because it creates instability in your relationships.
I just want to love and be loved by my FP, but it seems impossible because of the disorder. I’m sure not all borderlines will experience having a favourite person, but if you do, I hope this piece is something you can relate to.