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0 By Emily
What does it feel like to have selective mutism (SM)? Often it’s not the disorder itself that’s bad, it’s how people treat you that is so awful. It’s also the depression, anxiety and emotional isolation that often come with SM. It’s having the lowest self-esteem and hating yourself and internally critiquing every little thing you do, all the time.
I want to speak
The irony of SM… You want to speak, but you can’t. You’re desperately wishing people knew that you are not being rude to them, but you can’t tell them that yourself and you’re at a loss to explain what’s going on in your head. You wish people knew that you wanted to speak, but they don’t. You think even if you told them you have selective mutism, they wouldn’t know what that was or what it meant. If I managed to explain it to them, I feel like they still wouldn’t really understand.
Emotional isolation
I just feel like such a nuisance for being so complicated. I feel bad for bringing innocent people into the tangled, dark, depressing mess that is my mind.
That is the worst effect of SM: the awful isolation. I’ve never met anybody in person that also had this condition (that I know of). Before I had a name for my odd condition, I thought this was just how I was. I didn’t know there was anyone out there going through the same thing. I didn’t know this could be treated.
UNITED STATES
UNITED KINGDOM
Both of my siblings have this condition, so I can understand perfectly what you’re saying. More people need to speak out about this, I’m pleased to see an article on this site about it.
I was diagnosed with SM when I was 5. It was the hardest thing I’ve had to overcome. It can be treated! Years after beating SM, I was able to meet people with SM and it was a life changing experience. Today I’m still interested in raising awareness and helping people with anxiety. I will link my blog post about it! http://myfreckledthoughts.com/coming-out-of-my-shell/