By Sophie Ann
a candle flickers beside me, close enough so i can feel the heat but not burning my hair black. music rings through my headphones, supermarket flowers singing my emotions in a comforting sort of way. my phone to the right of my laptop flashes with a notification from a heart breaker, who for some reason wants to communicate with me. to my left is the rain, trickling slowly down my window, blurring the clouds and bricks together, a typical English autumn day.
the isolation from everyone
i’ve been watching this series, Doctor Foster on BBC. the final episode touched my heart, in an eye opening way. the parents of a young boy, Tom, were fighting and he went through an emotional turmoil of negative feelings. they didn’t notice. but i did. i know it’s all made up, but i noticed. the pale skin, the sleepless under eyes, the isolation from everyone, the self-hatred. i noticed it all, every detail throughout each episode, i saw it. within the last 10 minutes of the program, they realised. but he had gone, run away and they realised what they had missed.
maybe that’s why my parents are so naïve to it, yet they should notice. they should notice the extra scar on my wrist, they should know the poorly told lies. they should see it but they don’t. maybe i should get them a book, something to explain it. or maybe i should let them read all these blogs, maybe then they’d see. they’d see how much it hurts.
they think it just stops
that it just comes on occasionally then it disappears into a smile. no more tears. it doesn’t. your mind wanders. you don’t think it, it just happens. i don’t think anyone really knows why. it just flows in like a bird, and sits in your mind like it’s a nest for negativity. i don’t think i can really explain it perfectly, maybe only in a metaphor. i guess you only truly understand when you feel it yourself, and i would never want that for anyone.
i guess it’s like a cloud, it starts as just one little fluffy thing in a blue sky, then they grow, become darker and group together. that’s the time passing, the months, maybe years, they build, you ignore it most the time, whenever those clouds cover your happiness, cover your sun you just brush it off and smile again. you think nothing of it. not even a second thought. but what if the clouds constantly cover the sun, a constant shadow behind your tired eyes. sometimes even storms arise. screams and closed lungs panic that causes you to rock back and forth throughout the rain that pours from your eyes. that’s when it hurts the most, and people don’t realise the silent battle you have because they don’t have clouds, they only have sunshine. they only have their happiness.
fake smiles and crying
when it becomes such a regular emotion your mind turns into the worst kind of prison you could ever imagine. it twists and turn your daily life into a hell of fake smiles and crying over nothing in particular. like right now. right now in this very moment i could think of so many different ways i could kill myself right in this very room. i could slit my throat with those scissors in my draw, blood would stain the carpet but that wouldn’t be my problem. i could drag that craft knife down my arm, cutting all the arteries and slowly watch myself fall to the floor. i could suffocate myself with that bag, take all the clothes out and end it all.
or maybe i could overdose, with all the pain relief in this room alone i would die, isn’t that a nice thought. it doesn’t end. the torture that i can thoroughly imagine this in my head, i shouldn’t do that but i could. i can. i don’t know, i really don’t know what to do.
Reproduced with permission, originally published here