Dear Depression: An open letter from the girl who's finally winning

Read Time:2 Minute, 38 Second

By Cynthia Fontaine

Dear Depression,

We met for the first time in May.

You slowly made your way into my life and I had no idea what you were truly capable of. You made my life a living hell. Crawled into my brain and called my heart your home. I was the next victim on your list; you never gave me a break.

Not being able to face the world

For days I wouldn’t leave my house, not being able to face the world outside my door. Always crying, everywhere I’d go. Whether it was in my bed, under my blanket or at work in the bathroom stall.

You made me believe I was nothing, a failure to all my family and friends. Every day my goal was to just survive. Fighting to see another day. Not for me, but for every beating heart I’d break if I’d die. If I’d do what a year ago I thought was selfish: kill myself.

You made life so fuckin hard. Eating was hard, showering was hard, getting out of bed was hard and breathing… breathing was the hardest. How was I supposed to breathe when all I thought about was my grave? 6 feet deep, underground was where I wanted to be, where you wanted me to be. I wanted to stop breathing. For good. And these haunting thoughts you gave me, I will never forgive you. At least not now, I can’t.

A lifetime of scars

The girl I was before you is gone; she’s dead. And it’s all your fault. You killed her. You took all my feelings away; for weeks and weeks I felt numb. I felt nothing. That’s why I started cutting. I had to feel something, I had to be in control. Putting a blade against my skin was my way to feel… the only way. Every time I cut I felt alive for 10 seconds. But those 10 seconds gave me a lifetime of scars, scars that people might not see, but I know they’re there. You know they’re there. You gave them to me.

Depression, you made me feel ashamed. I wasn’t allowed to talk about you or else everyone I love would walk away from me. Everyone would laugh. No one would understand. But you were wrong. Do you see all the love I’ve been getting? From family members, friends and even strangers… I have been given so much love and hope that it’s all going to be okay. You must hate that, don’t you?

I’m worthy of this thing called life

But let me tell you one last thing, with all the pain you put me through you will not win. You will not kill me. You will not silence me. My voice will be heard. I am here to tell you today that I am strong enough to beat you. Powerful enough to own you. Confident enough to face you. I will keep fighting, until one day you are forced to surrender. With every bone in my body, from head to toe, I will fight… because I am worthy of this thing called life.

Sincerely,

The girl who’s finally winning