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0 By Kirsty
Over on the Much Love social media I have, I admit, become a touch evangelical re. narcissism, and I would politely ask that my readers bear with me for the time being.
Something was set off
The first time I really discovered narcissism was a couple of years ago when my then-new friend began, bit by bit, telling me about her previous relationship. After a time, I started to become faintly uncomfortable somewhere deep inside of me. Something was set off, like a wavering. Then, the more I listened the stronger that waver became until eventually, bit by bit, I began to openly and tentatively acknowledge that although in my view the two men were entirely different with different manifestations and exhibits and displays there were distinct parallels and similarities in their tendencies.
In short, the blend of cocktail may have been different but the basic ingredients were the same. 🍹🍸
The more I looked into it and the more I followed this thread, the more it rang true.
Discovering a Narcissist
Furthermore, as I’ve taken my journey down the metaphorical road of my depression here on Much Love a parallel road has appeared, a road called Narcissism. At some point during the course of the last year, the two roads depression and narcissism have merged. My depression is directly linked to exposure to S’s narcissistic tendencies.
Did I already have a small ‘t’ trauma from my childhood, as our counsellor concluded? Yes, I’m inclined to say so. She’s a much wiser person than I and, what’s more, it feels true.
BUT, did S aggravate, feed, fuel and blow up my childhood trauma to humongous proportions, causing me further trauma and thus triggering a decade of depression in me, using covert narcissistic tactics (be it calculated and intentional or not)? I don’t for a minute think it was intentional but, although conscious intentions matter, the facts of the matter remain the same. Yes, he most definitely did.
As with an explorer discovering a new land or anyone discovering a new miracle diet, I have by now become quite excitable over the subject. For years and years I sensed something. I was aware of something but could not articulate nor convey it to other people. When I tried, I seemed petty and nuts. Now, every time I recognise something, a tactic, trait or behaviour pattern, I get excited.
Knowledge and validation
IT’S NOT JUST ME!!! I’M NOT MAKING IT UP!!! SEE?? IT’S A THING!! IT EXISTS!!! AND IT’S PRETTY DAMN COMMON!!!
Every time I learn something new I internally punch the air and scream, ‘I knew it!!!’
It saddens me too, of course. When I first began to recognise this in S and in our relationship I despaired, especially when I couldn’t deny it or excuse it any longer. But I am past that stage now. Knowledge and names are empowering. Knowledge provides awareness and names provide validation. After years of not having these tools, now I do. I feel, well, empowered. If a bit stressed.
The hero complex
I’ve made the mistake recently of entangling myself far too much in somebody else’s narc situation. It’s called a hero complex, you see, and my boundaries are still pretty wobbly. This narc got under my skin (which they’d of course fucking LOVE) and it is, of course, far easier to try and take on a narc who has zero emotional or psychological hold over me than my own personal narc. Good practice though.
From my learnings the last couple of years I have concluded, like the author of The Human Magnet Syndrome, that narcissism exists on a continuum (as with most, if not all, things to do with the mind). I believe that my narc is lower down the narc continuum than the other narc.
My narc is a lot of things, controlling, manipulative, condescending BUT he is not a bully, nor a terrorist. This other narc is much more overt, is an outright bully who terrorises their victim. That is, in part, why I found myself so het up about them. That and the wobbly boundaries; I invested far too much of myself trying to save someone else. Hero complex. At thirty-two I had not yet learned as much as I had thought I had or rather had not developed as much wisdom as I thought I had. It is wisdom, not knowledge, that teaches you when and when not to and how much.
A plea for patience
Thankfully for my own well-being, at least, I am increasingly detached and distant from that situation now and am working towards NC/MC in regards to that narc who has, I noticed, begun to turn their narc tactics onto me. Watch this space for the inevitable smear campaign.
Codependent I might be, but I have never been passive. I am a fighty codependent, for better or worse. And so I have become a touch evangelical on the social medias, for which I do apologise, reader. It ought to pass soon. I am trying to curb it. I don’t much like myself how it’s tainting the Much Love tone atm. If it doesn’t pass, I have been considering creating a sister blog to channel all the narcissism and related content into but we’ll see.
For now, readers, I beg your forgiveness and ask for your patience. Perhaps, take a look at these evangelical posts because whilst they might be Firey, they’re not bullshit. They are heart-wrenchingly, tragically, painfully real. Not just for me but for thousands of others, men and women alike.
1in4 UK Book Store:
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Much Love
Kirsty
Reproduced with permission, originally posted on muchlovekirsty.co.uk
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