Reflections - Have you thought about killing yourself?

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By Frances Beck

Pre-read warning: this turned out to be much longer than I intended. So if you manage to get as far as the end, I really appreciate your time and hope you find it worth it.

I managed to survive the Christmas holiday period, as I knew I would. How did I know? Well, only because I’ve survived this far, when at times I really couldn’t see how it would be possible. As it turned out, Christmas Day itself was not nearly as difficult as the couple of weeks beforehand. The anniversary of the last time I saw Conor alive was absolutely horrendous. It was just as raw and painful as the first few weeks after he died, but this time without the shock, so I was much more aware. I got to the point where I thought I couldn’t possibly cry anymore, and probably became dehydrated in the process. A hangover from crying really isn’t half as satisfying as an over-drinking hangover. It feels like a punishment for feeling, as opposed to overindulgence.

I’ve changed

These past ten months have been an incredible learning curve, with me as a completely uncooperative, hostile student. (I’ve had to try to teach a few myself, and it’s not easy.) For many years I have been a positive person, and very much an idealist. I was somewhat naive, believing the best of every person and situation. That has changed.

I’m still a positive person, believing that regardless of the situation, I will be OK. I now no longer fear anything though. Despite my doubts, I’ve actually managed to survive losing my baby boy to suicide. And there can’t be anything worse to have to survive. That is not a challenge to the universe, but just a statement of fact! It kind of feels like I’ve had cataracts torn from my eyes and I can now see everything in sharp, glorious technicolor.

Wave goodbye to those hurting you

I can no longer tolerate the continuous bullshit that I’ve made excuses for for years. Don’t get me wrong, we all make mistakes and can make shitty decisions at times, that’s just part of being human, and should be forgiven. But people that do so consistently need to be kicked to the wind. Best to wave them goodbye as they move on to the next sucker. Particularly those people who continue to try their best to hurt your children. I could write a book here, and I may well do, but this is neither the time nor place.

Which brings me to the good people. As well as having my eyes opened to the shitty people, I’ve had my eyes opened to the genuinely good people in my life. And I’m so very grateful for them. The people who have told me they are here for me…and proved it. The people who check up on me regularly and remind me that I’ve got this when I’m not so sure I have. And the people who support my need to try to prevent others dying by suicide and other families having to try to pick up the pieces afterwards. Suicide is preventable, and there is much to be done, so I may well die trying to prove it. These wonderful humans have all made these past months so much more bearable, and I love you for it.

Those who have your back

I’ve had to try to make sure my son, and particularly my daughter, are supported through their own grief. As well as look after myself without having the support of any significant other. I’ve had much appreciated support from friends and family that has really helped to keep me going. But I’ve ultimately had to do this myself. I think I’ve done a reasonably good job. And I’m really proud of myself for having got this far, as well as I have. I’m turning over a new leaf and I’m going to blow my own trumpet, because if I don’t, no one else will.

There really is nothing like a tragedy to show you who your real friends and family are. This is old hat for me really, having had a chronic illness for nearly seven years. And many people have fallen by the wayside. Some people surprise you in a good way, others in a bad way, and others are as dependable as they always have been. Blood may make you a relative, but that doesn’t necessarily make you family. Family are the people who have your back, and in the words of Lilo, family means no one gets left behind. (My niece will understand this more than many others.) I’m truly blessed and thankful for the people I consider as my family and who consider me theirs.

Focus on what we can control

I have also been blessed with new friends this year. And as much as we would all rather it was under different circumstances, it isn’t and there’s absolutely nothing we can do about it. But I am so happy to know you and have you in my life. So rather than focus on the heartbreak of losing Conor (which is always going to be there regardless) and how I have no control over those circumstances, I choose to focus on what I can control. And embrace the good relationships in my life while continuing to move away from the relationships that are anything less than good.

Question: have you thought about killing yourself?

As we move into the new year, it’s the traditional time of looking forward with hope. According to research though, and in no way surprising to me, there are more deaths by suicide on New Year’s Day in the UK than any other day of the year. The reasons for suicide are as numerous as they are complex. But there seems to be commonality with the inability to find hope for the future. Please look out for your friends and family who are struggling just now. They may or may not tell you of the extent to which they are struggling. Please ask the question, ‘Have you thought about killing yourself?’

I talked all around the subject with Conor, but didn’t ask that question for fear of putting the idea in his head. I’ve since learned that asking the question is the best way to help and I so wish I had asked him. (Another ‘if only…’) It will be the first step in helping them get the support they need, the first step of a very long journey. It’s one I’ve taken myself so I know it is definitely worth the long, hard slog.

If you yourself are finding life a bit difficult, your absolute priority should be your own mental health. If you can do anything for yourself in 2019, it’s do what’s best for you. Don’t feel guilty about it, the people who really love you, want you to do what’s best for you. And don’t let your negative thoughts trick you into believing that you’re not worth it! You absolutely are, you wouldn’t be here in the first place if you weren’t. I wish you all a peaceful, abundant 2019 where you can see and appreciate your own worth.