I was unemployed when my spiral with OCD, depression and anxiety began. I’d been sacked from a previous role by an employer who falsified information to give them enough backup. I was distraught and lost all confidence.
I felt worthless
After 8 months, I felt worthless – I can’t describe the feeling of utter worthlessness. I had no reason to get out of bed, I had no reason to be alive. That’s when the compulsions started. I made myself get up, I made myself get out of bed – but what could I do? Why should I be alive? So I started cleaning, I started showering and I started cleaning myself. I was using so much bleach I had to go to the shop twice a day; it gave my life meaning.
Then I got an interview. It popped out of the blue, and it took a lot of effort to even get me there. They offered me the job. He offered me a salary which was exactly half of what I was previously on. I took it, just to get a job…just to stop cleaning. Just to have a reason to live.
Half my previous salary
Now, 8 months on it’s appraisal time, and I’ve been offered a 10% raise. In this time I’ve pulled 60 hour weeks, worked weekends and taken exactly 4 days’ holiday. I’ve been up and down to London more times than I could count, I’ve answered emails at midnight. I’ve lived and breathed the company. But because of what I started on, I can’t be eligible for more than a 10% increase, even if the market rate for my job is 250% of what I’m on.
I can’t move anywhere else because, although I’m better in a lot of ways, I don’t have the confidence to move on or even try to look. My only option is to stay and earn next to nothing for the job I do, all because of my mental health issues when I started my role.