The Good, The Bad and The Really Bad

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By Saffa Musleh

We cannot exist in two worlds, two coexisting realms. Our consciousness perceives one reality and we function based on that reality. I, however, live in two worlds. Two different experiences of who I am, what I do and what my life is like.

I have lived and struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. There are memories in my head of a 6-year-old me trying to come up with a reason for why I was so miserable. Surely there must have been a reason, right?

The Good

The world I live in goes in extreme opposites in one direction or the other. It all depends on where I am in my depression cycles. A good day and a good time is when I look back at what I have accomplished, in my almost 40 years of existence, and think, ‘Fair play, I did my best, and I am doing well’. I look at the mirror and think, ‘Not bad, could improve, but not bad’. I look at my child and give myself a pat on the back. These days are multicoloured, fresh, and they smell like a spring day.

The Bad

Bad days aren’t as colourful. They usually start in darkness. I say that the darkness has descended as it usually happens overnight. I wake up in a mental fog and the world looks alien, like something out of Stranger Things.

Everything is where it usually is but is a bit darker, bleaker and harder to understand. These days can be managed into brightness if my self-care has been meticulous. If I have been eating well, exercising and doing all my mental work. If I haven’t, which happens sometimes, then the darkness is denser. Worst of all, the darkness has another sneaky side to it, that of self-doubt and shame.

The Really Bad

I look at myself in the mirror and feel disgusted. My life looks like a sham. The darkness whispers, ‘Who do you think you are? All these years, you have pretended to be something you are not. Admit it. You’re a failure, YOU HAVE FAILED’. I look at my child in the darkness and am filled with pity. She deserves better, I think.

Yet, a rational voice within me always says, ‘These two things cannot be true’. One of the worlds is fake. And this is my dilemma. Which one is the real me? Which one is the authentic world… where do I belong?

The Upside Down

It is a regular and cyclical struggle. The good days eventually come back, and so do the bad ones. It’s the really bad days I try to avoid, I pray to avoid.

Be kind to others, you never know who is going through their very own upside down.