Nobody gets me

Read Time:4 Minute, 44 Second

By Anonymous

“Sometimes it feels like nobody gets me, trapped in a world where everyone hates me.” This Song Saved My Life, Simple Plan

I remember, one night, walking the longest way I could home because I needed time to be alone, and those lyrics were stuck on repeat in my brain. I left entirely trapped in a cage of loneliness which nobody around me could relate to. That meant I had to be alone because I was the only person, as far as I was aware, that even remotely “got me”. I remember posting on Insta a photo of that long empty road – with a filter to make the pale sunset look dramatic! – with the simple caption “I walk a lonely road?” (a Green Day reference).

Over the months that followed, it felt as if I was sliding down and down a long slope into a bottomless pit of complete blackness. It was like that darkness entirely suffocated me and blocked out more and more of the light above in the world everyone else appeared to live in. Nobody would be able to even know how it felt, I convinced myself. They were up there playing in the sun, while I was falling down a cavern.

I couldn’t relate to anyone, because that mental distance between us, which I had drawn, just wouldn’t go. It was always there, and I felt embarrassed to try and explain just how I felt, because it was not “teenage behaviour” or the notorious “hormonal changes” to which my mother attributed my low mood, my self-harm, my loss of interest in anything and my lack of vision for any future. Maybe all teenagers do go through it?

I thought the world was better off without me

On reflection, when I was 13, I started having my first lingering thoughts of suicide… I wasn’t actively suicidal, they were more “what ifs”. If I jumped off that bridge, would it kill me, if I don’t eat, will my body shut down, would I be able to keep my head under water for however long without drowning, if I jumped out this window, what would break, if I lie in the middle of the road, will I get run over? They weren’t active attempts to try to destroy myself; they were just contemplations about not having to keep on. But nobody appeared to notice anything, because I was just me.

Nobody cared. I would cry myself to sleep, scream along to Simple Plan, but no one ever entered my room to ask if I was okay, and I kept sinking. Further down, away from everyone. I remember sobbing my heart out till it physically hurt at 2 am one morning. My arms were wrapped tightly around a hoodie because no actual person was there and I needed something to at least pretend someone was hugging me. That’s how alone I felt. I couldn’t tell anyone because I might as well have been invisible. My phone was my only link to the outer world and last summer, even that link was going. I kept not even checking it. It was just a world that was better off without me.

A path to self-destruction

I remember posting an image on Insta and captioning it, “I look outside, see a whole world better off without me in it”, then deleting it in seconds so I wasn’t looking for attention. “I’m sorry I’m a fuck up”, “I’m not okay”, “Broken people living under loaded gun”, “Just another face in a faceless crowd”, “You’re never gonna get it I’m a hazard to myself”… but putting music emojis and smiling emojis after the captions made it fine. No one knew me. I felt alone, unwanted.

As a 15-year-old, I became actively suicidal. I crossed roads with my eyes shut, I skipped meals, I was on a path to self-destruction. My parents left me to it?! Unable to see a future, I wrote suicide notes. I apologised for being born, I blamed nobody, I told them I loved them all, especially my horse, I thanked everyone for everything. I knew what I was going to do. It didn’t even scare me – it was the only option. I was bringing everyone down, nobody wanted me on the earth.

Please, hang on

2.Jul.17 was where my calendar ended. In the early hours of the morning, one of my friends messaged me, telling me they were always there, they all loved me, that I could do it. And I burst into tears and eventually told them I couldn’t manage. It was through that network that, about 12 hours later, I ended up in A&E. It’s because of them I am here today. It terrifies me that 12 months ago I genuinely couldn’t see a future and my family chose to ignore it. I’m 16, I have scarcely started my life now – let alone 12 months ago! – and I genuinely couldn’t see a tomorrow.

It breaks my heart to think of how many other people there are out there feeling that alone and worthless. I know life can seem impossible and you can feel so alone, but please hang on. These last 12 months have been an eye opener for me. I am 16, an age I never even envisaged being; I don’t live with, or speak to, my parents, and feel genuinely wanted in my new environment. So please, promise me you will keep trying, because when you reach the bottom, the only way is up.