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0 By Ocean
Living with a mental illness is feeling nothing at all and not knowing how to explain it: “How are you, Ocean?” – “I don’t know”. It’s battling with my own mind every single day and giving it everything I have to overcome it and make it to tomorrow, feeling like I am not living, but only surviving.
What’s surrounding you is your own darkness. Your own darkness, your own sadness and worthlessness. And it’s what’s drowning you. It’s drowning you. Above water. Outbursts can be unpredictable, arise so quickly and take over your whole life. It’s doubting everything and everyone around you. Unable to trust your doctor, your friends, your family, etc. You can only listen to the intrusive voices in your head telling you that you’re worthless, you’re lonely and you don’t deserve happiness.
Your mind deceives you
Being unwell feels like isolation. Even if you have plenty of friends, family and loved ones, your mind deceives you that you are unwanted, unloved and unnecessary. It feels like a thousand thoughts of self-doubt and self-pity hitting you all at once, but you’re falling down, getting back up and smiling, because if you aren’t fine and happy and normal, people treat you differently. They see you differently.
It is isolating, it is empty and it is dark. It’s feeling vulnerable, knowing you’re vulnerable, but still looking for love from people who do not deserve your attention. People who use you. Who acknowledge your vulnerability and completely and utterly abuse the fact you are struggling mentally. It’s unlovable, and it feels like, “What if I just end it all now, then I won’t have to feel anything, anymore?” And I’m not living, so what’s the point in even trying to survive?
UNITED STATES
UNITED KINGDOM
