The Worst Days in a BPD life

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By Anon

I had a bad day yesterday… no, scrap that, I had one of the most awful, unbearable, worst days EVER yesterday!

I got triggered, I didn’t see that happening. Abandonment was the likely cause, because the ones I hold close to me are all miles away from me. I was completely on my own, just like that traumatic time when I was younger, when I was left, abandoned. I was a child/young adult back then, but I still am that girl trying to make her way through this horrible mess called Borderline Personality Disorder.

How did I get through one of my worst days?

I really don’t know how I got through yesterday.

I don’t live on my own so I couldn’t cry out in frustration, or shout or scream. The tears fell silently, the lump in my throat was really hurting. I banged my head with something hard a few times out of anger, to see if it calmed me down. I couldn’t move from the bed, everything was so impossible.

The suicidal ideations were really on top form too, making themselves known to me. I even wrote my suicide note, before crying myself to sleep.

It was a very, very bad day, and if I’d lived on my own then I would’ve done something drastically wrong. Harming myself, maybe succeeding in ending my life. The thoughts, suicidal ideations, were that bad.

But, I’m still here, I didn’t get concussion from banging my head so many times, I survived the pain. I’m here, I’ve survived one of the worst days of my life with having BPD.