Am I Weak For My Suicidal Thoughts?

By Alan D.D.

When I was younger, in my teen years, when depression and self-harming were taking control of my body and mind, everything I did felt like a new fault for the collection.

It was as if everything I did wasn’t good enough for anyone or anything. This was especially true for me. I felt weaker than anyone else, and so I started to think “I’d rather be dead.”

Thoughts of Suicide Made Me Feel Weak

That sole thought made me think more and more about how weak I felt, but I was terrified of death. I was scared of what it would be like, and yes, I still wanted to fight. There was a little, tiny star inside that begged me to keep standing still and face my problems. I kept asking myself how to do so if I felt this weak for my suicidal thoughts.

Was I was such a failure?

Here I am, writing this, feeling those days are way much more distant than they really are. Sometimes, they come back and haunt my mind, but the battle keeps on going. This little, tiny star from before, became a wildfire.

Society Tells Us We Must Be Winners

I discovered this fact not long ago. They are just terrified as I was of both life and death, and they don’t know which is the better of two evils. The mind starts to break and creates a powerful lie.

“You shouldn’t be in here, you are a coward, you little failure.”

Western society always tells us we must be winners, fighters, we have to conquer the world every single day, and take a good decision and help each other. That sounds easy, a joke. How to do it when you cannot gather all of your pieces together? It creates a conflict inside, a strong noise hard to ignore.

I dealt a long time with my thoughts and mind, with almost no one else to share them. I felt guilty for considering suicide as my option, and even more for almost doing it. It was after a long talk with my best friend that she helped me understand something valuable. She said I was weak, but not for considering death, but for fearing life.

We’re Not Weak – We’re the Exact Opposite

Suicidals often deal with other people calling them cowards, selfish, immature and even attention w**res. Words more, words less, that’s the world we live in that insults those in need. It becomes a hardcore challenge, but there comes a point for all of us when we discover that we’re not even a fraction of that.

Society celebrates courage, valor and wisdom as the most valuable things in a human being. Each one of us knows someone who wouldn’t have the guts to face our mental health issues, someone who wouldn’t know how to deal with this on a daily basis. There is always someone who has no idea what it is all about. We do. Veni, vidi, vici.

Having suicidal thoughts doesn’t make you weak, I know that now.

Considering death, but keeping those thoughts under control and fighting them back makes you into the whole opposite. You are a warrior, a powerful soul that knows no limits and that, with the right help, will stop at nothing to find its divine light.

People Cannot Say Negative Things Like Us

No one can say they are their own worst enemy but us, and no one can say they would rather not look at themselves in the mirror but us. Also, no one can say they cry to sleep more often than they would like but us.

People who have faced suicide are the fighters, the warriors. We are the strongest among them all.

We are anything but weak.

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