Here We Go Again

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By Rio G

For three months now, everything has been calm. I have been at peace, coped well with stressors and been in blissful enjoyment and appreciation of my life. Until the niggles started to appear. Here we go again. Paranoia creeps in round the edges, and I start to notice those intense feelings of panic get more noticeable. I keep trying hard to bat them away, remembering the advice from the mental health nurse to be kind to myself, but suddenly things in my life are becoming less manageable. Everything is becoming stressful and my head is getting filled with constant thoughts.

My head is chaos and I can’t make sense of who I am or why I exist.

Going through it all again

If I don’t fight it I know I will crumble. I will start to wonder how many more times I can cope with feeling this way before I give up. I was discharged from the mental health team 3 months ago, no further with a diagnosis but feeling great. So they let me go with no plans, no strategies for coping and being told I just don’t cope very well with life.

Now I feel abandoned and angry that I have to go through this again. I hate that this has been my life for 20 years. A constant rollercoaster of emotion and confusion. I hope it is short lived this time and I can find the strength to get through it. I have survived so far, and still love to write this so perhaps I will remember that in the stormy times to come. One day I may return to my blissful, happy life.