How I became 1 in 4

Read Time:3 Minute, 39 Second

By Anonymous

Two years ago I was a teacher. I was ‘at the top of my game’, working in a stressful and pressured role in a big secondary school. I was working hard, really hard! Starting early, juggling priorities this way and that, working late, working long, thinking about work, dreaming about work, waking in the night worrying. Taking on the worries and problems of my team, of the children, and suddenly they all mattered far too much. I became 1 in 4.

I got lost

I didn’t spot the telltale signs in myself. Headaches, tiredness, irritability, inability to concentrate, avoiding eye contact, tearfulness, feelings of inadequacy. They were all creeping up on me. I convinced myself that I was just a bit tired, run-down, needed a break. Got to half term and stopped, and found that I could not start again. My brain would not let me do anything other than sit on the sofa. Feeling empty, lost, alone. All of the things that usually brought meaning and happiness to my life meant nothing. Nothingness overtook me, and I was lost.

I hid it. I had always been a private person, an observer of conversation rather than a participant. But now, instead of being my normal introverted self, I was so tired. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t do, I couldn’t feel – I was just lost.

I was suicidal

Usually I am busy. I work full time. I am a runner, a walker, a gardener. But I remember trudging along the footpaths with the dog, thinking about lying down and being run over by a bus. Running next to a stream, struggling to put one foot in front of another and thinking that my brain did not want me to run, and imagining the water flowing over me. At the time I didn’t know this was suicidal ideation. I didn’t know that it was my brain trying to tell me it needed help.

My GP signed me off work as I couldn’t be ‘accountable’, something that my job required every day. (In hindsight, not enough time off work, but depression told me I was being judged, I had to do it all, I was failing.) At that time I was a wreck leaving the house to walk 100 m to the village shop, let alone being accountable!!

Seeking help

I did seek help. I saw my GP who prescribed antidepressants. We talked about CBT; in my area I tried to access NHS CBT, but failed. (I was at work when they called and they reported it as me not attending the call that I did not know was coming!) I was lucky to be able to self-fund CBT. And to find a therapist who worked with me for months to help me to make sense of my world and help me to move on.

I took baby steps, and made changes to my life. I started to say no more often, to leave work on time, to think about what really mattered. And whether I really wanted to be ‘at the top of my game’ in an environment that was toxic, damaging and which disregarded my health and wellbeing.

Not an easy journey

It was not an easy journey. It is not one I want to repeat. Here we are two years on and I no longer teach. I still take antidepressants; I have had two unsuccessful tapers. And one of these days I will get to a dose I am comfortable with, if not become medication free. I am trying to be more open about my mental health. I am cautious of being judged in my new career.

And I know that depression can try to creep up on me again for no obvious reason, or if I am overloaded. The road has had bumps and potholes and wrong turns. But I am more self-aware. I take more notice of the small changes – I know the warning signs that before I was oblivious to, and life goes on!

I want to share my story with others. Mental illness and depression can happen to anyone. A combination of risk and experience factors eventually overwhelms you. I think that I should be able to be honest about my mental health, just perhaps need the world around me to be more aware!