Starting Counselling

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By Martin

I’ve been waiting several months to get any sort of counselling, but finally I got to the top of the waiting list with Mind. So on Monday I very nervously drove into town to go for my assessment session.

I was panicking

I worry about little details, over-worry, I always have. Panicking about where to park, I left the office much too early. Turned out, I got a pay-and-display parking space right outside where I was going. So I had to sit in the car for 15 minutes – 15 minutes of nervous thought.

Eventually I went and pressed the buzzer and was let in. The waiting room was at the top of the stairs. Before I got to sit down, Helen came out and greeted me. I followed her into a room with a sofa and a couple of chairs, and sat down. I’d already told them by email that I would be very nervous, so she straight away tried to put me at ease. She was very warm.

As it was an assessment session we had to do some paperwork, a contract between us both and also a questionnaire about my feelings. It felt like I was sitting a test, and one question wasn’t easy to answer: one about self-harm. I haven’t wanted to hurt myself for a while now, but I know it wouldn’t take much for that feeling to come back.

It was a relief

I was torn, because the form asked if I’d wanted to hurt myself in the past two weeks. Well, I haven’t, but I didn’t want her to think it’s not an issue for me. It has been, and I have a feeling it may be again, I just don’t know when. So I ticked no, but I think she knew it had been an issue.

She knew quite a bit about my background already, which was good. I’ve always hated the idea of being ‘discussed.’ I know it happens at the hospital. They are quite open about it, but it always makes me feel uneasy. This time, though, it was a relief. I didn’t have to tell her my darkest secrets, because most of them she already knew. It’s strange, it can be so easy to write things in an email to someone you’ve never met, but to sit in front of someone and have to tell them is very different.

She was warm and kind

She asked me a couple of questions and I just started to talk, and fell apart. I spoke through my tears, and she gave me tissues. She was warm and kind. She told me she wouldn’t judge me for anything. I didn’t believe her, I judge myself, so why wouldn’t anyone else? Maybe not professionally, but when you disgust yourself, it’s hard to believe anyone else would feel any differently about you.