So as predicted I am not having a good nights sleep. It’s 3:30 am and I’ve been awake for a good while. Woke up dripping in sweat as usual, God knows what I am dreaming about. Apparently last night Tim got really freaked out because I started thrashing my arms and legs about! I wake him up a lot, by grinding my teeth mostly. He doesn’t know how I can stand it. If I have a really bad night of it I get a headache and my jaw aches terribly. I must mention it to the dentist.. I probably won’t!
I’ve woken up going over what I am going to say to my counsellor today. Possible sentences about what I have been up to this week and how that has felt. Pointless because I have forgotten already and she could ask me any number of questions. Also woke up thinking about what the response will be to my last post. Thinking about bits I should have put in, taken out, better ways of phrasing things. All of which I have forgotten as well!
Did I post it too late? Will you all miss it? Will anyone read it? Does anyone actually care? No one wants to read my rubbish. Doubting myself, confidence crash, I’ve over done it.
Change of thoughts…counselling today. I am fortunate to have accessed counselling through occupational health, through work. They have funded 9 sessions with my counsellor which are now coming to an end but I will continue to see her as it is so vital to this journey of discovery. I sought my own counsellor prior to this when it looked like I wasn’t getting much support from the gp or work. It cost lots of money but started me down a path of self discovery. My first counsellor was very different to my current one. I didn’t feel as comfortable with her, there were awkward silences where she would look at me funny. I suppose waiting for me to speak but I didn’t, I don’t work well when expected to speak. My current counsellor is better, I feel like it is more of a conversation and I feel more free to express myself. Apparently I am very good at choosing my words and explaining how I feel about certain things. I have never felt like this before as in a crowded group or room I struggle to participate in conversation I am much better one to one. I remember always being paralysed in group discussions in school as by the time I had rehearsed the sentence in my head someone else had said it.
To be given the time to consider my thoughts and words and to have someone value and validate what you say is so healing.
Counselling is so important to try and discover the route cause of any issues not to place any blame but to go on a journey of discovery about yourself. I have learned so much about myself in my sessions that I am really starting to see myself completely differently. When I first stated I didn’t know who I was. I was completely lost in my daily routine on my downward spiral. I had completely lost many things that I enjoyed, needed, loved that made me, me. I had forgotten who I was and slowly I am finding Sara-Jane again.
So I have now been back to sleep and I’ve been to counselling, session 9 is done. I felt it was a really good session today, I have come so far in just 3 months. In our first session she asked me to give her scores out of 10 for certain areas of my life. In the beginning I have myself, how I felt about myself a 1. I felt like a compete failure, I’d failed at my job, I’d failed my children, I was failing at life. I remember being that low and just how desperate it felt. Today I scored myself a 7, I feel good today. I have learned so much about myself during this process I now know what I need and also a little bit about who Sara-Jane is. Today I feel comfortable in my skin I would even go as far to say that I feel fairly confident.
I even took myself for a coffee today something I would never have done before. I have learned to be more comfortable in my skin. I enjoy my own company so can sit in my favourite Plum Vanilla and have a coffee and feel confident and comfortable.
I am a mum, of 2 busy boys, they drive me nuts but I would do anything for them.
I am an introvert, lots of people and busy days are overwhelming.
I am sensitive I question every look, glance, comment I read people and situations and feel tension in a room.
I need creative outlets I like to paint, draw, write (apparently), make things.
I am Sara-Jane.
Counselling is so important, I think everyone should have counselling, there is no shame in using someone to help you deal with certain issues in your life or life events or in my case mostly remember and find out who I am. That is what they are there for. It is a long journey and there is no quick fix but once you start along that journey it is so enlightening you won’t be the same again!
From Lala, with love xx
produced with permission, originally posted here