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0 By Kirsty
I wasn’t going to write about this, because it was so relatively small and minor during an overall good time – I’m conscious of seeming to constantly ‘moan’ – but an understanding of the smaller, less significant components of depression will ultimately lead to a greater understanding of the condition overall, so I feel like I really ought to share this too.
Sometimes, despite all our efforts and even when we think we’ve figured it out and we’re on an Up, depression can reach out of nowhere and pull us down by the hair.
Yesterday it hit me out of nowhere
Arrived at the freestyle yesterday in good spirits. I was happy to be there, all was good. Then after about half an hour I noticed I felt a bit distant, was being a touch quiet. I don’t think it was noticed by anyone else, but I was aware of it. Inexplicable. But it was fine, I don’t have to be the life and soul all the time – not to say I ever am! Spent a bit more time than usual sitting out. But I was ok, holding steady.
By the time it got to the last three songs I realised I was done. I simply didn’t want to. Out of character, I noted. Briefly considered plodding on. Then dismissed the notion and changed into my street shoes. There’s no point in forcing yourself. (Though saying that, I did have a last dance in my street shoes when someone asked; it felt bad to say no.)
Invited to join friends for dinner. Lovely! Very pleased to have been asked. Warm fuzzy feels!
Headed to the bathroom and then, bam! Fatigue hit me hard out of nowhere like a ton of bricks.
WTF?!?
Where the hell was it coming from?
I wasn’t sleep deprived, hadn’t danced myself into exhaustion and certainly hadn’t drunk much at all. Where the Hell was this coming from?
Caught sight of myself in a full length mirror.
Fat! Fat! Fat! Fat! Fat! Fat!
Fuck. Looked away quickly. Don’t focus on that! Brush it off. Don’t look back. Jacket on, shades on. ‘It’s legitimately bright and sunny outside’, I told myself. And it was. But I’d be lying if I said it was the only reason I’d plopped them on when I did. Inside. Truth was, I didn’t want dreary fatigue to be evident on my face. And they comforted me.
Tired. Heavy body.
I wanted to hide
Removed shades for dinner, though didn’t really want to. But conscious of looking like a twat in a dimly lit pub in the evening in sunglasses.
Tired eyes, quieter than usual, couldn’t warm up (was an idiot and didn’t dress for the literally freezing temperature. Again!)
Suddenly didn’t want to be there. Out of nowhere. Powerful urge to up and leave and run and hide under a blanket. Panicked for a second because I imagined the perplexed expressions on everyone’s faces, if I upped and left out of nowhere, after everything. Didn’t want to offend. Didn’t want to look weird. But nonetheless I found myself quickly checking how long a cab would take to pick me up. 40 mins. Oh!
But then it passed.
Almost as quickly as it arrived. It passed.
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I could breathe again
I took two painkillers for the physical gripes that had begun to contribute to pulling me down.
Then, talking to friends, I relaxed and felt I could breathe again.
A little sugar and caffeine in the form of Coke.
Soup, not because I particularly fancied it, but because it was hot and would warm me.
The sudden urge to leave vanished. I was very glad to be there. Then I warmed up. Physical irritations disappeared. And my fatigue melted away.
Still a touch delicate perhaps, but happy and human.
And I’m still Up. So it didn’t escalate into an episode. And the whole bout of fatigue probably lasted an hour and a bit at most. It almost didn’t matter.
Almost.
As I said I nearly didn’t write about it at all.
Blogging about the small stuff
But I think a lot of us who blog about mental health forgo the small stuff, because there’s so much of the bigger stuff happening and we don’t want to be downers all the time. So we pick and choose our battles.
But you can’t understand the big stuff without looking at the small stuff too. If we are truly going to create more awareness, then we need to address the little stuff more.
The Devil is in the detail.
Much Love
Kirsty
https://whatkirstydid.blog/2018/02/26/when-it-grabs-you-out-of-nowhere/
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