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0 By Vicki Petrou
I used to introduce myself like this, “Hi, I’m Vicki and I’m BPD.” I couldn’t think of any words or descriptions of interests that described me, other than those 3 little letters. Every aspect of my personality and behaviour, and every action, I would justify under the huge umbrella term, Borderline Personality Disorder.
I thought it was all I was and all I’d ever be. I’d become so acutely aware of how different I was from everyone else and how much of an outsider that made me. I would isolate myself for days on end and refuse to try anything new outside of my safe BPD life. I felt stuck, hopeless, and my identity was unstable, to say the least!
My feelings don’t control me
Less than a year later, and a year’s worth of Dialectical Behavioural Therapy down the line, I can proudly say I couldn’t be further from the girl I’ve just described. Through learning coping skills, mindfulness and distress tolerance techniques, I am finally able to function and live a happy life – with BPD! It’s not always easy. I still get the same extreme feelings of despair or elation, but for the first time in my life my feelings aren’t in control. I am.
I’m currently working towards a degree in Psychology. I had to defer, so to pass the time until October, I thought I’d start a Counselling course at a local college. After the first week, something clicked and I knew that I was going to work my way up the levels until I became a qualified counsellor. I just knew that this was my thing, the thing I am good at.
I’ve found my calling
This change has been instrumental to my recovery and it happened because I decided to make that choice, working towards something that was just for me. Now I’ve found my calling, I feel nothing but pride knowing that I am working towards this goal and I’ve never felt so passionate about anything in my whole life.
I’ve gone from living as a shell of a person, hopeless, with no clear aims or drive, to a person with a real dream and a clear goal. I know that I can use my experiences and my difficulties to better understand and help people to empower themselves.
What makes it even more exciting is that this was within me the whole time. It was just untapped potential, that I wouldn’t have otherwise been able to access had I not started to care about myself. Once I started to look for ways in which I could improve my life, not simply exist, I started to flourish.
Seek your wings
Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t easy, and I’m fully aware that recovery is not a straight line. But with this goal in mind, I have something I can work towards and take real pride in. Without this, I feel like I’d still be trapped inside the storm, drowning.
If I can share anything from this, it is this: if you feel like you are nothing beyond your diagnosis, and struggle to know who you are, never give up looking for your identity. For years I would hop between jobs and hobbies and relationships, and never really knew who I was in all of it. But once I started doing things for me and not for other people, I found something that was really important to me, that I cared about.
And you can, too! So try that hobby, do something that scares you and pushes you outside of your comfort zone, because you are not a tree, you are a caterpillar! And once you find your wings, you can fly. You are NOT BPD, you HAVE BPD, and there is so much more to you than that.
Reproduced with permission, originally posted on tenaciouswarrior
UNITED STATES
UNITED KINGDOM
