0 
0 By Ffion Menna
Dear mom, how can I help you understand my mind?
Dear mom,
You ask me at least once a day
if I am okay.
I always reply, ‘Yes, I am fine,’
when really I am the opposite.
I am struggling to get out of bed,
not just because I find it hard
to find the motivation,
to tell myself,
‘Get up, today will be good,’
but also because I have no strength.
You see, mom,
I am not only corrupted by depression,
but also by anxiety, anorexia, bipolar, and the phobia of messing up in front of thousands,
I am weak because I do not eat,
wasting what little energy I do have,
fighting the demons that corrupt my mind.
I have been put down,
bullied all my life,
by kids, my brother and my father.
They made me believe that I
am not good enough,
so I starve myself,
I do not eat all day.
When school is over
and I am in my room,
not having to face the judging gazes of others,
then,
then I allow myself to have a morsel of food.
You see, mom,
anxiety helps with it,
the over-thinking.
My mind tells me I am not good enough.
You see, mom,
I am bullied,
all day, every day,
bullied by my own mind,
and I cannot stop it.
I cannot tell a teacher,
I cannot tell an adult,
for they will do nothing.
They will not understand
that I
am having a constant battle,
with myself.
I fight with my mind,
telling it,
it is wrong!
I am smart!
I am beautiful!
I am good enough!
Yet,
I always lose.
I lose the constant battle that I have,
every day I lose.
I lose the ability to be happy,
to be in control of my life.
Mom,
you say it will be okay,
but I do not believe you, mom!
People ask me, ‘What is wrong?’
I reply,
‘Ask me what is right, it is a shorter list.’
Because there is nothing on the list!
When you ask if I am okay,
I always say yes,
when really I want to scream out,
‘NO!
I am not okay!’
I want to fall,
only for you to catch me,
then to cry in your arms,
tell you everything that has gone bad,
right from the start,
but, you see,
I cannot remember when everything turned bad
so quickly.
My mood is a rollercoaster,
when the path is straight I am happy,
but there are loops in the track I call life,
mom,
I go high, high up into the clouds,
soaring over my problems,
then I come spiralling down again,
going around loops which I call depression,
then it is all okay for a while,
before I go right back to the loops,
swooping up and down,
not knowing where I am,
or what to do.
You see, mom,
I need help,
I am struggling to fight all these nightmares all on my own.
I am struggling to beat this depression.
I am struggling to live!
1in4 UK Book Store:
[amazon_link asins='1977009336' template='ProductGrid' store='iam1in4-20' marketplace='US' link_id='ffcb5f04-1297-11e8-8b2c-c721ea9703cc']
Every day I fight,
and every day you fail to notice.
I want you to know,
I do not blame you,
for how could you understand?
How could you understand my mind,
if I do not explain it to you,
to help you understand?
But you see, mom,
how can I help you understand my mind,
if I do not understand it myself?
UNITED STATES
UNITED KINGDOM
