Football has saved my life on several occasions

When the enveloping grasp of deep depression had taken a hold of my life, I saw no way out. Football has saved my life. It gives me hope and freedom.

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By Ruth Fox

When the enveloping grasp of deep depression had taken a hold of my life, I saw no way out. For days on end I would withdraw myself from the world and contemplate ending my life on a day to day basis. The most basic tasks felt like completing a marathon. Football has saved my life. It gave me some hope, and it gave me the freedom to be the person underneath the illness.

Within the confines of those simple white lines of a football pitch, my mind was completely at peace. The adrenaline took hold of me and I was fully immersed in the sport which I had grown up loving. For 90 minutes in a week, I was back being the 13-year-old girl with no stresses and no worries, before my life was taken over by this devastating illness. I could push myself both physically and mentally, and it gave me a focus. I was a leader, a hard worker and a team mate. Depression made me a victim, made me retract and feel weak.

Friendship and support

My team mates were aware of my difficulties, but appreciated that this was my time to escape from my demons. They pulled me up when I got knocked down and supported and encouraged me in a way that meant more than they’ll ever know. Outside of the game, they looked out for me and helped me a massive amount.

My coaches created an environment for me where we took things at my own pace. If my anxiety built up or the strong suicidal thoughts of crashing my car overwhelmed my head, it was ok for me to not train, it was ok for me to not play in a game. They respected how difficult mundane tasks were for me to complete, how much I was struggling and how hard it was. But at the same time, we all knew that football would be the vehicle which drove me forwards in my recovery and would keep me going.

I have texted my coaches during my most difficult times, and they have not left my side in offering support, so much so that I have never felt entirely on my own. They have helped me to get professional help, to call an ambulance when I was a danger to myself, supported me through A&E visits, and I couldn’t be more grateful. Just receiving a message saying ‘keep going’ meant a lot.

Release and confidence

Being a footballer with a mental illness is not easy. I remember during a seriously tough week, I’d resorted to cutting my wrists almost every night. My head was so confused. I’m still not sure if I was using it as a release or even as a means to end my life. It was bad. I text my coach the night before a game, telling him about it and whether he could strap it up for me so it wasn’t obvious to others. He did just that, and thus made me able to play in a game which gave me release and confidence.

It was comforting to know that he didn’t judge me for self-harming. He wasn’t shocked by what I’d done to myself. He didn’t ask questions, just gave me the support I needed to do what I did and knew best.

On several occasions over the past year, I’ve been to A&E following strong suicidal thoughts or from harming myself. The wait was always excruciatingly long and stressful. 7 hours feels like an eternity for someone who is crying out for help and full of fear of what they could do to themselves.

Attention and respect

On one occasion, I got home from the hospital at 4 am on Sunday morning. I had a game at 2 pm the same day. I knew I needed to play to relieve some of that anguish and pain. Whilst the girls were getting changed, I went and had a chat with my coach who was setting up the warm-up outside. He was putting a cone down when I approached him.

‘Hi mate, everything ok?’

I told him everything that happened that night. How frustrated I was, how vulnerable I felt, how hard I was fighting every single day.

He didn’t say much, just stood and listened to me with attention and respect. He said we’d take it minute by minute, and I didn’t have to play if I didn’t want to. I played 90 minutes that day, not to my best ability, but that was beside the point. I got out and I did it, and I was supported in doing that.

Football has saved my life and remains my life-saver. I aspire to improve as much as I possibly can, and the mental strength I have developed over the past few years can only help that.