I had an eating disorder as a child, and to this day I still don’t know why. I didn’t seem to realise I had a problem until I was diagnosed and had to get better. Then it was hell on earth, watching my family cry in desperation, yet the guilt was often not enough to fight the eating disorder. It took time and support from my family to make it through and to find peace with myself.
I went on to have OCD tendencies, everything straight and symmetrical, everything put away and cleaned down, every cushion in place before I could sleep.
I have also suffered depression and anxiety, particularly in social situations.
I still think about my eating disorder at times
Although I would no longer consider myself to have an eating disorder, and live a normal life, I still have the eating disorder thoughts at times. I am progressing with my body image but sometimes there are hard days, where the voices are a litre louder. I’m still anxious in general and fight for peace with myself. I still live in fear that I could become depressed again.
Fighting for peace with myself
I know that I am not alone but when those closest to me do not understand, I feel alone. But with each year that passes I know that I am stronger. This is true even if others do not notice the little things that I achieve.
I continue to fight for peace with myself, in my own skin, just to allow myself to be me exactly as I am. With no shame about this body that I live in, no matter what society tells me I should be.