My Talk with Suicide

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By MissyDee

No, I am not suicidal. I’m pretty damn logical and well-balanced, I think.
I might be emotional at times, but that is my need for acceptance rearing its head.
A horrible depression, far more insidious than my normal episodes, made me struggle for about two weeks.
But I coped, like many of us do.

Depression had a grip on me again

I was cranky, exhausted, raw and emotional.
I was in mental pain.
My spirit was weak.
My head was spinning non-stop.
I wrote, I colored, I rested. I didn’t go out.

Even taking a shower was a real effort.
I was frustrated that depression had a grip on me again.
I’ve spent my whole life in a series of ups and downs.
I did my best to parent, to work, to get the wash done, to do the dishes, and the zillion other things that a person does.
I had fleeting suicidal thoughts, but never addressed them.
Staying mindful, I recognized the thought, didn’t judge it, and let it go away.

I don’t have that right

Until the past two years, I never had a suicidal conversation in my head.
I couldn’t do such a selfish thing to my love, my grandchildren, my children, my friends, or my parents.
I found myself contemplating the “what ifs” one day, with a kind of laid-back “what the hell would happen if I did” attitude.
It isn’t within me to hurt people I care for intentionally, though.
I realized that if I did such a selfish thing, I would be taking a piece of every person who loved and cared for me away.
I don’t have that right.

It isn’t up to me to decide that I’m done and end my life.
There is a reason I am where I am, with the people who I’m with, and I’m struggling to just let not knowing why go.
I know that making the decision of who lives or who dies is not my choice.
I would never sacrifice another’s happiness so that I can be free of my pain and depression.
This life is mine to bear, depression or no depression.

It’s up to me

Sometimes our life just sucks.
It is what it is.
There will always be people who want to steal away your joy.
There’ll always be situations that you have to deal with that you despise.
There will always be a desire to have something different.
And there will always be a change coming around the corner.
I do have a right to protect my mental health.
No one else is going to make the changes I need right now.
It’s up to me.

It is the nature of life, that no matter what you decide to do, it hurts someone or something.
I am responsible for my joy, my depression, my recovery, and my needs.
You know that list that some of us make when contemplating a change?
The infamous pros and cons list.
Well, I guess that says it all.
There is a price to living this life.
The goal is to make sure that your pros outweigh the cons every day.

I feel blessed that I had the strength to not let Suicide convince me that this world would be better without me.
I’m a fighter, I’m a believer, I’m a good person.
It isn’t my time.
I better live my life and recognize each day as a gift given to me.