The Demon is at my door again

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By Helen Turvey

The Demon is my depression and its here to stay. Stood at my front door like an unwanted visitor, towering over it obstructing my way. No matter how hard I try to ignore it, its not going away this time.

Depression – My Mount Everest

For the past few months I have noticed little warning signs. But with all my strength I have tried to carry on, despite knowing what’s coming. But this time its won, I am defeated. The demon has taken all I have, and its not giving it back.

Everyday normal things from getting dressed to doing the housework feels like I’m looking at Mount Everest from base camp. It takes every ounce of energy I have got to get motivated. I will sit on the sofa for ages talking to myself, telling myself if I can do it. At least I have achieved something in that day. Trying to go out of the safe zone of my house, all depends on what size the demon is and how desperate or important it actually is.

It can take me all morning or longer to convince myself to get myself outside the front door and into the car. I’m then continuously fighting with the anxiety to get myself to the shop, where I know I will have to interact with other humans.

I will stand at the entrance while I take several deep breaths to try and calm myself. Then I will rush around and grab what I need as fast as I can. Then I look for the shortest queue at the checkouts, because all I want to do is get out of there as quickly as possible, so I can get back home before I have a full blown panic attack.

Self Doubt

But even there I’m continuously fighting, because everyday is the same. I don’t sleep very well, I don’t really eat and I have little or no energy. Living with the self doubt that’s always there, making me analyse and question the slightest thing and the constant feeling of anxiousness and worry which never seems to go away.

Even though people reassure me daily that I will get better and its just going to take time, and that there here for me, I still don’t believe them. How can they possibly understand what I’m facing everyday, when I don’t even understand myself….