Thank you for helping me realise I can keep you in check

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By Mel Ball

Today I realised I can keep my “Chimp” in check. You antagonise me every time you see me. I don’t understand why you have to upset me every time you see me, do you get some kind of pleasure out of people shouting at you? Or is it the hurt that you cause that makes you smile?

Yes I know I have issues, and yes I am dealing with them. I have to deal with them on a daily basis. I am getting help, tomorrow I get to see a therapist for the first time to help me cope with these overwhelming thoughts and feelings I have.

But today what I found was a WIN for me! Nothing more would have giving me great pleasure of letting the “Chimp” loose. But I was NOT going to give you the satisfaction of me losing my self respect in front of my child. I am better than you and always will be in that respect, as you have none for anyone else.

Yes I’d cried, cause the thought of letting the “Chimp” loose was more than I could bare. All I wanted to do was jump off the balcony to feel a more physical pain. The emotional and mental pain is excruciating!

The worse thing is, I actually don’t want to hurt anyone, including myself. So the thought of actually hurting anyone is painful, but that’s what my “Chimp” is telling me to do. Hurt and cause pain, just so It can feel better for a short space of time.

I am tired of feeling tired, I am sick of feeling sad and emotionally unbalanced. I don’t need you to try and tip me over any more than I already am. You might have made it in life in your own way by bringing others down in the process, but I am not going to be one of them. From now on when I see you I will just smile and feel sorry for you, because you feel that to hurt people is the only way you feel better about your own life.

I still don’t understand what I have done to deserve your unwanted attention, I no longer want it. And again thank you for helping me keep the “chimp” in its cage.