Poison

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By Clara Rose

Having someone to talk to. Having a shoulder to cry on. Having someone to laugh with. Having someone to share all your heartaches as well as all your happiness. For me, these are all so important in order to be happy, to not cry into my duvet every night, to ignore those nasty thoughts in my head. Sometimes, we think we have found this magical person who can save us from the depths of our depression. Sometimes, we know we haven’t found that person but I can promise you that person is out there waiting to be found. And sometimes, as was the case with me, the right person turns out to be the wrong person. So, I would like to share with you an extract from my diary. It tells the story of how I realised just what this person was, how they made me feel, and how they used me for so long …

“Poison. That’s what you are. You had me believe you would always care; you had me believe you were always there; you had me believe I had you. But this was all lies. You never cared; you were never truly there; I never really had you. Almost too late I realised what you were; almost too late I knew what I should do; almost too late I looked elsewhere. Not my best friend, but instead my biggest foe. A snake in the grass; the arsenic in my tea; the blade in my back. Betrayed, alone, unwanted. That’s what you made me feel. But now I am free and I can see the real me. Loved, at peace, wanted. That’s now what I feel. Your poison was strong; but I found the antidote. In the hands of others I have placed my trust; in the hands of others I have placed my soul; in the hands of others I have placed my life. You almost cost me all I have; something I can never forgive. But despite all of this, despite your web of lies, despite your broken promises, I will always care. I will always be there; you will always have me. Because I know how the poison feels; for I have known the poison that is you.”

So there you have it. A small part of my story about the journey to recovery. There is an important lesson I have learnt through this. And that is that the right person may not be the loudest, the most confident or the happiest. Conversely, they may not be the quietest, the shyest or the saddest. In fact they may well be perfectly average. But, they will message you out of the blue, they will force hugs on you, they will let you talk about your darkest thoughts, and they will never leave you if you tell them to go away. Because they know you need them, they know you need to trust them, and they know how important you are to them.

It’s taken a long time to find out who my right person is. Some of you may have found them. Others may still be searching. But I know they are out there, so never give up searching, they may be the person you least expect… 🙂 <3