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0 By Jonathan Reyes
It’s not all that easy talking about bipolar disorder. I mean, when you bring up bipolar and mood, most of the time people just think, ‘Ehh, my woman or man is bipolar as fuck’. But when you start to mention the mood stabilising medications that you have to take, the medication for the depression, that’s when you get the side look, the look of concern or the ‘WTF’ look.
That’s also when our disorder kicks in. It could be a wide range of emotions and thoughts that we can’t necessarily control. The mania could compel us to talk at a million miles an hour about every single detail that we know about the disorder, or hasten the ‘What the fuck are you looking at me like I’m crazy for’ snap instincts. It could be the brain-numbing reaction of us drowning in our thoughts and emotions, and just shrugging it off and walking away. Or it could be the depression, and us feeling ridiculed, judged and alone.
We don’t fucking know.
We are absolutely superhuman
Because on the upswing of things, God fucking damn it, we are absolutely superhuman in most aspects. You will never find someone who loves you deeper or more passionately or more intensely than someone who has no control or limit on the emotion that is their love. We’re 1,000,000 miles and running with no signs of slowing. We can conquer any test, any feat and do it with absolute diligence. We will stand atop Mount Everest and pound our chest, welcoming any and all challenges.
I wrote this after watching the American sitcom Seinfield, and realising that the character Cosmo Kramer may be the greatest example of a bipolar individual in the history of the world. I feel that his eccentric personality reflects how I feel most of the time, the wave of emotions and feelings that I have on a day to day basis… Unpredictable.
Just like that.
In the blink of an eye.
The mountain of insurmountable problems
The very mountain we stood atop, pounding our chest, has become the mountain of insurmountable problems. The diligence has become scrambled, the million miles an hour and running has become a horrific and gruesome wreck. The feeling of invincibility has become weak and pathetic. The ambitious thoughts of tomorrow cannot escape the dreadful thoughts of the moment.
And we don’t know why.
See, that’s the thing about bipolar disorder, they are absolutely epic swings of thoughts and emotions that we can not control. Yes, certain settings, people and actions can trigger the swings, but for the most part it is all out of our control. There are no magic breathing techniques or focusing goals that really truly help the swing. Medications are out there, but the medications that they do disperse are quick fixes to get you back into the working field of life. Medications that leave you lethargic and almost soulless.
Mood stabilising medications leave us lethargic
My name is Jonathan.
I take mood stabilising medications.
I go to work.
Come home.
I cook.
I clean.
Go to sleep.
My name is Jonathan.
I take mood stabilising medications.
I go to work.
Come home.
I cook.
I clean.
Go to sleep.
The medications do not address the true needs of a mentally ill person with a beautifully energetic upside and tragically disabling downside.
You’re not alone – don’t be ashamed
I’m really not too sure on the reason of this rant, other than just some insight on an illness that plagues many of us, more than we probably know. But also, hey, if you’re out there and feel the same way, you are not alone. This isn’t something to be ashamed of, or scared of, or under any circumstances a reason that you can’t do something.
I understand the horrific suicidal lows, the constant thoughts of running away from everything and thoughts of being a burden with all of your emotions and the inability to control them. I understand the manic fits of passion, the constant bombardment of thoughts bursting from your head, the sleepless nights, the inability to focus. All of that and more.
385,000,000 thoughts and emotions a minute
But then.
But then there are those brief moments of clarity. Those beautiful fucking moments of clarity.
You need to relish in the fact that you do not have the standard 385 thoughts that a normal brain does a day. That you do not have the standard emotions that just about everybody displays. You are surging with 385,000,000 thoughts and emotions a minute. Build yourself from your madness. Find a middle ground and the ability to come back up from the depths and write beautifully about it during your manic stages. Open up and let loose every single thought that you have. EVERY FUCKING EMOTION. The world needs it.
Because maybe it’s not a mental illness at all, maybe it’s the most purest form of our soul that is trying to push through and we just don’t understand what to do with it. Maybe we don’t need medications. Maybe we need to be admired and understood. Not by the waiting world but by the one riding the massive tidal wave of thoughts and emotions. You.
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Or maybe we are just batshit nuts.
UNITED STATES
UNITED KINGDOM
Hi Jonathan, I’ve just read your post and I loved it! Thanks for such an amazing piece, it really struck a chord with me! A friend of mine often refers to me as the one “surfing the wave of madness” with regards to my bipolar and believes it is beautiful thing. Thanks again. H xo ?