This is how I feel every day

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By Amanda Erickson

I feel like I’m having a severe mental breakdown. No one big thing happened, just a lot of small things every day wearing on a naturally negative person. I see the dark before the light and the bad before the good in almost every single thing in my life. Sometimes i feel like there’s no saving me. No going back to being totally happy and carefree. Then again, I never was.

There has never been a time that i have said “gosh that was the best time of my life and I wish I could relive it”. I have always made problems out of nothing. Unnecessarily stressing myself out. At my age, is where things should start to get complicated and stressful. Up until now, should have been the time of my life. But instead I have lived stressed and unhealthy in every way, and making wrong decisions that I beat myself up about every couple of days, and doing nothing significant.

I have nothing to show for anything. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Ever. I want to change. I want to be so many things. But sometimes i just cant even move. I wake up and open my eyes in the morning and cant move. Then i cry and let the tears roll all over myself making myself more of a mess than I already am. Sometimes while laying on my back, the tears fall into my ears and I can hear my own tears which feels weird because usually I’m a silent cryer. I could hear my own sadness and deep depression making itself physical despite the screaming and self loathing inside my head. I hate it so much.

I hate myself to be honest. There’s parts that I like but overall, its just hate. I have prayed to a God that I don’t believe in to PLEASE take me out of my misery. Please just stop it. Make it stop. I cant take it, its so debilitating. Its so awful. And yet not an excuse to not do things. I cant call into work because I’m completely and utterly depressed to the point that I wish death upon myself.

I cant not be social or hang out with people. It’s not socially acceptable. It’s misunderstood and underestimated. Despite the fact that millions of people worldwide deal with some level of clinical depression.

Yes I said death upon myself, most days I’m suicidal, not in the way that I need to be supervised or in a hospital. If it was to that point, i would have done it a long time ago. But i just have very negative thoughts daily and that’s my go to. That’s my “I’m tired of dealing with things”. Some people turn to alcohol or drugs or run away or blow money on things. That’s just what i say to myself and its almost comforting. The darkness is just as much my friend as my enemy. I love and hate it.

Right now i hate it because its ruining my life. But sometimes there’s a comfort and its always there so I’m not alone. I know I’m not alone, like I said I know there’s millions of people who deal with depression and other mental illnesses. But sometimes my friend and enemy, darkness, likes to make me isolate myself to the borderline of insanity and then claim that I’m so alone and no one cares. How contradicting right. Its enough to drive someone mad. It’s exhausting enough to make you so tired that you cant move.

I haven’t brushed my hair or teeth in longer than I care to admit. I don’t know what bra size I am because I’ve gained so much weight and can’t afford food so why would I spend money on a bra, much less getting properly fitted. That also requires human interaction. If I cant stand myself why would I want to be around others.

Don’t get me wrong I love my family. They’re the only thing I love. But talking to others and going out in the heat and sunshine where it’s so bright and hot and my clothes are going to feel like weights because of sweat because I dont have a car because I’m a loser, is just repulsing.

See what I did there? I went from needing a bra to calling myself a loser. Snowball effect. This is the torture I put myself through Every. Single. Day. For. Years. I don’t talk about it because I don’t want to bring people down. I don’t wish this pain upon anyone. But this is how I feel and what I’ve become.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I am so disappointing and I’m sorry for all that I was meant to be and just never became. I’m sorry for not even being happy with the few things and people that I have in my life. Because they really are blessings and I’m so thankful because those few things and people are my only happiness. I cant find happiness on my own. Obviously. But those few special people that have stuck around, thank you. Because you have given me happiness and love that I cant give myself and memories that keep me going in my darkest darkness. I love you all.

This is starting to sound like a suicide note but its not lol. I promise, I’m not going to harm myself, I’ve gotten past that. I’m just being completely, brutally, and utterly honest about parts of myself that some people may not realize. I’m completely, brutally, and utterly depressed. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I’m totally lost. I’m happy to have my family. All I really want is a job that I love and to be healthier. But it feels so much more complicated than that and I’m making it more complicated and a big deal and letting anxiety destroy my motivation.

Basically, I need support. I hate to admit that because so badly I want to be independent and successful on my own. But i feel like I cant. Because sometimes I can’t even move and the only thing that does is my tears rolling all over myself. I just want to know that I’m not alone and people don’t think I’m a mess or a failure and that people still care. People meaning my family. Because sure I can do things on my own, but when i succeed, who am I going to tell or celebrate with and give credit to those who believed in me.

I need a push of confidence because I have none. I want to be all the things you want me to be- a good person, a HAPPY person, successful, not struggling, a good mom and pet parent, a good family member, a good employee, and more. And sometimes when we get down we need someone to say it’s going to be okay. I need that. And maybe some guidance. But I mostly need to know it’s going to be okay one way or another because it doesn’t feel like that right now.

I feel like I’m drowning. In a pool of darkness and mistakes because I can’t do anything right. I just want to do something right. I want to be proud of something. Something to show for my effort because it really will mean something because its more than just applying myself, I’m overcoming a lot more than people realize. I’m overcoming my own head. I know at this point my depression isn’t ever going to go away. I just want to spend more time happy than sad and not say that I have severe depression, just depression that I can manage in a healthy way. I don’t feel like these things are too much to ask for.