That time I wrote a suicide note

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By Laurz Shire

Mental health is so confusing. One day you are in Disneyland taking selfies with Mickey Mouse, and a few days later you find yourself hiding in a library toilet cubicle because you don’t know how else to face life. You can feel things are going downhill but you just can’t stop them. You’ve lost another part of yourself every time you wake up and the more you try to claw it back the more useless you feel. Every time someone asks, ‘How are you?’ you reply with ‘Fine’ because ‘Dying on the inside’, ‘Completely numb’ or ‘Suicidal’ doesn’t slip off the tongue as easily. You’ve learnt to live your life silently because you fear you make other people uncomfortable and you genuinely feel that nobody in the world can possibly help you.

Note - Mental health is so confusing. One day you are in Disneyland taking selfies, and a few days later you're hiding in a library toilet cubicle.

My suicide note

On December 3rd 2018, I posted a suicide note on Facebook.

I feel like I have tried endlessly to make life work for me. I never gave up even when I had a million reasons to. I was never going to get over Claire’s suicide; I wanted to but it was just too hard. I’m surrounded by people I care about so much and I am grateful for all the people who made me smile along the way. I wish that I had been stronger but it was just too much … I am so sorry that I couldn’t stay.

It was one million things and nothing.

You look around and you’ve already decided ‘they’ll be better off without me’. In that moment you believe every irrational thought and you can’t imagine that you might be wrong or just need help. You talk yourself away from one bad feeling just to have it replaced by a stronger more intense one. You know that you aren’t going to make it but you keep pushing just in case. You’ve tried so hard to open up to others but you don’t want to burden them and the words to justify how you feel simply don’t exist. You’ve fought for a lifetime just to be happy and suddenly realised it’s out of your reach. You can’t wait for the day to be over and at the same time you just can’t face another tomorrow.

Thank you so much …

Thank you to everyone who helped me that evening and for all the support and encouragement that has followed since that day. I hadn’t realised how many people cared about me. Thank you for the messages of support. I live in such an amazing community and I’m so proud to be a part of it. Thank you for not letting me face this alone and … Thank you for saving my life xx

Some of the most beautiful people I have ever met have come from the darkest of places. Talking about suicide doesn’t make people suicidal but it does show people that they aren’t alone xxx