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0 By Will Puzey
Sometimes the outside world took pleasure in the reality of my imprisonment. All it needed to do to aggravate me was to show me another person walking around freely, travelling to wherever they wished to go. Or sometimes the outside world would simply leave me alone, slouching in the dark – save for the flickering light swaying almost imperceptibly above me – which was just as saddening. It was impossible to tell how long I had been trapped inside these glass walls for. It could have been months, or it could have been years, or maybe it had only been a few weeks; I could never keep track of time. The hours seemed to crawl by like a dove swimming in tar.
Every day I would wake from a brief, unfulfilling sleep – a cramped room deprived of any comfort didn’t provide much rest – to these ghost-like barriers. Rarely would I attempt to go near them as trying to pass through them resulted in an eye-watering bump to the nose. Instead, I would sit and stare into blank space beyond. Though the light above flickered from time to time, the outside world remained black…
No.
The Sourceless Light
A sourceless light blinked outside the wall I was facing. I lifted my head to the sudden change as this new light struggled to settle fully. When it finally focused, I noticed a group of boys, not too different from me, glancing in my direction. Surprised, I rose and turned to the other transparent walls which revealed the world still
black as ever. It was just this one wall.
I spun back to face where these new people had appeared and, to surprise me further, they still stood beyond the glass barrier regarding me. They seemed friendly enough, though they frowned at where I stood.
“What’re you doing here on your own mate?” one of them called out to me. I didn’t know how to reply. The sound of another person’s voice was strange enough, yet not as strange to me as engaging in a conversation. Especially when the conversation starts with me explaining this cursed prison cell.
The Hidden Town
I remained in awkward silence until this group started toward my current location. They walked right up to me and, as I prepared to warn them of the glass, they passed through as if the barrier never existed. Before I could even process the sudden occurrence, they greeted me and introduced themselves. They spoke to me. It was relieving to hear their warm and friendly voices; for a moment it made me forget about the loneliness I had always felt.
“If you want you can come with us for a bit,” the first offered. “We just head into town and have a laugh with some others,” another said, pointing in the direction from which they had come. I peered beyond them, and the apparent wall. There truly was a town, filled with dozens of other adolescents like me. They all interacted with each other, laughed with each other, accepted each other! It filled me with excitement and anticipation just thinking about what it would be like to experience such a feeling!
The young men started to walk back the way they came and gestured for me to accompany them. Entranced, hours went by and I learned to reject this alien thought. I returned to the centre of the room and sat, waiting in a deafening silence. Constantly the light above my chamber flickered. In truth, I would rather have sat in total darkness than be irritated by the infuriating fluttering of the weak brightness.
A Darker Path
Until, out of the corner of my eye, another light – outside the wall next to the first – shivered. As the new illumination stabilised, I realised there was another group of young men. Only, where the last group were genial, this group filled me with trepidation. Some wore hoods and balaclavas, a cold, icy expression on the faces visible. In their hands, they held drinks, drugs, knives. They extended their arms to me, encouraging me to join them.
I shook my head immediately. I had heard stories of the destructive effects of such substances and weapons – hideous tales that told of the horrific end of families and loved ones. The thoughts of such tragedy made me shudder. These alternatives certainly may lead me from the cage in which I remained trapped, but I knew they would lead me down a path far darker. The light outside the wall faded quickly, swallowing the supposedly violent adolescents with it.
Several hours later, there was late everywhere. Outside all walls were people, big and small, walking past, talking, laughing. Not a single person glanced in my direction. I wanted to scream at them all. I wanted to let them know I was here and hurting but I couldn’t. They would have just looked at me disgustedly, perhaps walk away from me. It was better to have people nearby, even if they refused to acknowledge my situation. I wasn’t sure how long I sat there watching the world move along. Minutes? Hours? Days?
The light all around began to flicker and the darkness enveloped me…
I opened my eyes and realised I had fallen asleep. Sitting back up, I rested my head in my hands. Why was I trapped in this prison – watching the world around me thrive and enjoy the lives they had? Was there a way out?
A Breath-taking Beauty
Once again, a light trembled. It came from behind me. As I turned, my eyes came across a girl. She was truly beautiful. Her dark brown hair dropped below her shoulders. Her lips were red as strawberries and they glowed radiantly in the light. She was slightly shorter than me, and her body was slim. She was in a room of others where music was playing, and all were dancing and laughing.
This breath-taking beauty approached me; she too passed through the walls that I wondered still surrounded me. As she neared, light consumed the transparent barriers and I was in the same room that she had come from. My heart sped up immensely. Had the cell collapsed invisibly? Was this a way out? The girl came closer now. She placed a tender hand on my shoulder and another around my neck. Slowly, she pressed her scarlet red lips against mine. I always wondered what that felt like – to be truly close and intimate with another soul.
Suddenly I forgot about everything that ever tormented me: the loneliness, the regrets, the failures. Things had changed. I was free. Free at last!
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As she pulled away, she brought her hands down my arms. Gently I clasped her palms in my own and she began to walk back, pulling me with her. She smiled at me, and I felt my heart flutter. Rarely did I feel as burdenless as this. My entire world was about to evolve. From this new encounter would come a new world of opportunities…
Abruptly, her hands slipped out of mine and my heart skipped a beat. I tried desperately to reach for her again, but my fingernails chipped against an unseen surface. Lights shook all around me, and fear welled up in my fragile heart. The further this girl walked back, I smashed furiously against what held me from my desires. Over and over I tried to break through…
I was too late. The darkness engulfed her, and I was alone again. I screamed inaudibly.
The Knife
The malevolent torment returned all but immediately. Such regret. I should have hit harder against the glass. I should not have left her grasp in the first place. A chance like that would never come around again, would it? Why would this hell show me what I could have just to take it away in an instant?
Losing the will to live, I turned back to the same forsaken spot in the centre of my cage. To my surprise there was something already there, illuminated by the arcane light. My vision was blurred by unshed tears of many emotions – sorrow, rage, fear, even hatred towards myself for being so pathetic – so I couldn’t make out what this object was. I wiped my eyes and focused my gaze upon a knife…
For ages I sat with the blade to my wrist, debating whether or not to end it all. Was this ever going to change, or was this sempiternal? How much more could my spirit endure? Dragging the sharp edge along both my arms would certainly vanquish the power of this prison. But it felt like such a waste. I wanted this life to be worth something, but these damned barriers stood relentlessly in the way of everything I desired.
After what felt like an eternity of debating, the final wall revealed another struggling, dancing light. Turning to the change, I placed the knife on the ground by my feet. Impossibly, I faced myself. A man with my face, my body, my clothes, walked toward me through the ghostly wall.
“I remember this cell,” he, or I, said, inspecting the cramped area in which I dwelled.
“I built it years ago when I was afraid, hurt and unable to control what was happening to me.”
“You built this place?”
“We built this place.”
“How do I escape? How did you escape?”
“The only way you can leave is by breaking through these, break down the walls.”
Tried and Failed
I tried, I tried before I lost the girl. I used all my strength to break down that wall and I failed, even though I wanted it more than anything in the world. How could I hope to ever break through now I know my greatest desires aren’t enough to melt away these barriers?
“You failed because of fear, the very essence that builds and strengthened this prison. You learned that fear when you were a child. When you started school, you were bullied by girls, including the one you admired. She rejected you in the worst way possible. When you faced your teen years, you did so without friends. You had no companionship in a dire time for you. You never wanted to feel that pain again.
“And so, you built these walls. Now, these walls are insignificant,” my image continued. “They are invalid to you and are suffocating you. They were made to defend yourself when you felt too powerless to change anything. Now you have the power to decide for yourself, to choose your own path. Break the walls or end your life. Either way, the walls will fall.”
I processed this truth in my mind for a while. The realisation crashed into me like two colliding meteors. Even if I wanted to break free, surely a fear like this learned from such a young age cannot be unlearned. I will always live life alone. I will never find a place where I truly belong. Giving in now must be the only choice.
“Then give in,” my projection gestured to the blade in the centre of the room. “Pick up the blade and slit your wrists. The choice belongs to you.” I stared long and hard at the deadly object.
Finally, I started for it.
Throwing in The Towel is Not A Choice
Before I could pick the knife up, a hand jerked my hair upwards and dragged me away. Disorientated, I was launched into the cold barrier that imprisoned me and the other form of myself jabbed a hand on my chest, pinning me sturdily.
You said I could choose my own path- “I am you! I was the part of you that turned away the path of drugs and violence. I knew it wasn’t the right choice to make. I’m the part of you that knows throwing in the towel is not a choice. I am still a part of you.” The image of myself released me from against the wall. “But my voice in your mind is weakening, I fear. I can’t keep you going for much longer.”
He walked over to the knife in the middle of the room, then started toward the wall he had passed through. Something puzzled me. If you are me, then how is it you can pass through the walls and I cannot?
He turned to face me. “Because these walls don’t just hold you here, they talk to you. They tell you that you aren’t good enough. They lie to you, telling you they will keep you safe and breaking through is dangerous. That is what makes them strong. Their strength comes from your belief in them. I am the part of you that sees through their deceit.
“But you must trust in me wholeheartedly. Become one with me, and we will meet again on the other side.”
Without another word, the image walked out the wall with the blade, and he faded with the light.
I Conquered the Darkness
Harder and harder I pummeled the weakening surface. The cracks were growing larger now, but my arms were wavering, and my knuckles were bleeding. I collapsed to my knees and lowered my head to the ground. Doubt filled my mind. The wall was still standing. The cracks grew, but the surface refused to shatter.
Perhaps this wall was creating an illusion. Perhaps the dents in the glass were just a cruel jape the barriers forged to give me a false sense of hope. As the thoughts raced through my mind, the cracks began to heal.
It was gaining power. Don’t trust it… suddenly a light flickered outside the damaged barrier. I glared into the space in which the light was fixating. Finally, it conquered the darkness. In front of me was everything I wanted. There was the group that welcomed me with open arms. Behind them was the town that seemed so perfect and inviting. Then my gaze caught something else. Someone else. There, radiating in the impossible light, was the girl who had slipped from my grasp. She was beautiful as ever, smiling at me.
The fear of failing boiled up in my mind again, but I tried to push it down. A sudden shape formed next to the visions in front of me. It was the image of myself. It paced towards the cracking wall and placed a hand against it, right in front of me. “Trust in me,” it whispered. “Break through this wall.”
A sudden spark lit up in my soul. My arm regained its strength and the cuts on my hand faded.
Now the vision stepped back and the light in the world outside once again began to shudder. In haste, I rose off my knees and stared through the barrier at everything I desired.
It was now or never. With one final breath, I drew my energy back and threw my fist at the wall…
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