Jealousy sucks!

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By Anonymous

Currently I’m feeling so alone with my mental health. Everyone keeps telling me I can go to them when I’m struggling. But I’m stuck because I’m so worried that I’ll lose everything. I work full time and just keep on going. Recently I had an incident with my boss. I was told that if my mental health is getting worse then they would have to look at the capability of me doing my job. I basically can’t even go off sick because of my mental health.

jealousy - I want to be able to cope with unexpected things, like my friends. In all honesty I’m jealous of them. They are married, have children and mortgages.

My anxiety is crippling. And I’ve been told I need to remain stable in order to get the therapy which I’m being promised. The pressure is immense. Everything that I would usually do to cope I can’t. I’m trying all the self-sooth things which I usually do but even they are failing.

Where can you turn?

The services in my area are a joke – like many across the country. So what do you do when you feel there is nowhere to turn? Like many, you just keep going. All this has started because out of the blue an ex has popped up, caused damage and then gone again (or so I’m hoping). They are basically losing everything themselves and feel that those who have done some sort of wrong in their life should also suffer. It’s caused so much hurt. And the worst thing is I think they know what they are going and getting some sort of buzz from it.

I want to be able to cope with unexpected things, like my friends. In all honesty I’m jealous of them. They are married, have children and mortgages. Some are even moving to bigger homes and everything just seems perfect. I feel like I’m looking at their lives through rose-tinted glasses. But I suppose when you’ve suffered with your mental health for as long as I have you do. How can I go to someone and say how much I’m struggling when I know they have children to look after and ultimately their needs will also come before mine? And that’s how it should be?

Is my jealousy keeping me going?

One of my closest friends is always telling me to call when I’m in crisis. Or even better to phone when I’m feeling like I’m heading that way, but that’s easier said than done.

I long for the day when I meet someone and have a family of my own but it seems so far away. I suppose that piece of me which is jealous could also be the part of me that is keeping me alive – the longing that I want what they have. Who knows – but I want to look for the positive in something which is eating me up and stopping me from reaching out some days.