A letter to you... - I am 1 in 4

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By Lauren Ruddock

OK, so this is probably not what you would class as a normal blog post from me but I wanted to do something a little different this time. Sort of like a letter (hence the title) to you, the person reading this, that I might have unknowingly upset or offended. To say that I didn’t mean to do but it was because of my anxiety, because of the way it sometimes makes me feel or act. So here goes…

Dear you..

Remember that time I was short with you, and I argued with you over nothing, and you called me grumpy and surly? I didn’t mean to be like that with you. My anxiety had left me exhausted, and on that day circumstances had pushed me to my limit and I really didn’t want to talk to anyone. And unfortunately you got my anxiety-fuelled frustration, uncharacteristic for me. I’m sorry for the way my anxiety sometimes makes me behave.

Remember that time I ignored you at work? I didn’t mean to, I was trying to use my last bit of limited focus on work. Anxiety steals my motivation and affects my focus. Some days are really bad, but some pass without any, or just background, anxiety, I can’t predict what I’m going to be like on a given day until I wake up.

Remember when you asked why I was upset at work and I came up with a lie, and a bullshit excuse? I didn’t think you’d understand, didn’t think you’d want to be bothered for the billionth time by me. Anxiety always makes me feel guilty, like I need to be apologising for things that I shouldn’t apologise for. Like I shouldn’t bother you with anything, it seems silly.

Remember I messaged you at stupid times? I’m sorry. I really wasn’t thinking straight, my judgement had gone completely. I’d got myself in a bit of a state and I panicked. I could trust you but I didn’t mean to upset anyone.

Remember how I hid myself away or wouldn’t give you eye contact? I was really struggling and it was great you asked if I was OK and didn’t judge.

Remember how you thought you offended me because I was upset later in the day? You didn’t, I just got horrendously anxious and in fact was probably in the stages of an anxiety attack.

My anxiety

I never wanted to be treated differently because of anxiety, I just wanted a level of understanding about what I was going through – you gave me that, well mostly. I understand I am sometimes a dickhead, anxiety notwithstanding. Thanks for being a mate, a normal person (whatever that is!!). Know that I appreciated your help and effort.

I’ve written this not as anything sinister or silly but simply to get down some thoughts and feelings that I probably haven’t or won’t get chance to say, or am not brave enough to say, to your face. o to you, my friend, you might not think you’ve done anything of significance to help but you have. And yes, I am indeed a soft arse!

I wish that everyone cared at least a little like you then the world would be a much better place. Just asking if someone is alright can help them to open up and get help. It doesn’t take much.

Sometimes, anxiety makes me come across as ignorant. I struggle with eye contact which comes across as aloof, and sometimes I struggle to hold my concentration. Anxiety is also exhausting. A lot of the time it isn’t you, it’s my dear friend anxiety. If anyone walked even for 15 minutes in my shoes they’d see how difficult it can be, how frustrating it is.

Rest assured I fight this hard every day, which leaves me so tired and vulnerable to stress and emotion, but I always do the best I can, sometimes way too much.

Reproduced with permission, originally posted on anxiousbutstillfunctioning.wordpress.com