Unexpected Triggers - Our 9th Month

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By Frances Beck

November. Our 9th month without Conor being physically in our lives. I know that 9 months isn’t a particularly long time in the grand scheme of things, but believe me when I tell you that it feels unbearably long! Every month brings unexpected triggers. Some days go past fairly quickly while others feel like they are never going to end, but the constant is the everyday pain and heartache that comes from missing him.

Missing him is absolutely the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. The not being able to call just to hear his voice, the not being able to message him to see how his day going, the not being able to tell him both the significant and inconsequential things that are happening in our lives, and, probably the hardest thing to bear, is the not being able to put my arms around him and hold him close.

The fact that he appears to have ‘chosen’ to leave us makes it all the more difficult. Losing a loved one to suicide really is unlike any other bereavement, and something I wouldn’t wish on anyone. In fact, quite the opposite; I hope to help make sure that others don’t have to know that pain.

October was a particularly long month, possibly because I’ve been partaking in Sober October and have been counting the days until it finishes. I’m really proud of the fact that I managed without any real difficulty and the fact that I’ve raised £365 for the Mental Health Foundation, which will go towards research to help prevent suicide. Knowing how much had been donated kept me strong when my resolve was wavering and I can’t thank everyone who very kindly donated enough. I shall be raising a large glass of wine to them all this evening.

Now that Halloween has been and gone, Christmas is going to be fully on the agenda. It’s impossible to escape even if I wanted to. A few people have already asked what my plans for Christmas are and to be honest, I can’t really think about it too much. Christmas for me has always been about spending quality time with my family, and knowing that Conor isn’t going to be with us is just too painful to focus on. There is going to be an almighty hole for us all.

He won’t be here for Christmas

The fact that this will be yet another ‘first’ makes it even more difficult. I can prepare myself for the expected upsetting moments, but the unexpected continues to catch me off guard. Last week I added Christmas sweets to my shopping for my son and daughter and didn’t think twice about it. When my shopping was delivered and I was putting it all away, I was suddenly struck by the fact that there weren’t any for Conor and broke down completely. Then I could hear Conor saying, “Oh mum, really? You’re crying over chocolate?” and felt a bit silly. Chocolate really isn’t something I’d ever cry over, wine on the other hand… Joking aside, obviously I wasn’t crying about chocolate, but the significance of the fact that Conor won’t be here to open presents and enjoy the overindulgence of goodies.

Christmas shopping this year is not going to be the easy and enjoyable task that it usually is, and probably won’t ever be again. However, whatever we do this festive season, I’m determined that we will do our best to make the best of it. I know there will be sadness and tears, most probably brought on by unexpected triggers, but there will also be joy, laughter, gratitude and time spent with loved ones. That’s what it’s all about after all!