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0 By Vix Sumsion
As I write this, I do believe I’m in one of the best places I’ve ever been, mentally. It’s been a long time coming. I’ve struggled with my mental health for almost 25 years and have been on and off different medications and experienced some of the lowest, darkest times possible. I’m not saying I’m cured, far from it. Anxiety still affects me daily. Yet, I can recognise the thoughts and fears for what they really are, and find ways of coping with them. I’m currently on a very low dosage of anti-anxiety medication which, after years of being on the highest dosage possible, is something I never thought would happen.
There are many misconceptions about Anxiety. I mean, we all worry about things don’t we? We all have fears. How does that make it a mental illness? Anyone affected by Anxiety knows that it’s so much more than just worrying and that although it’s a mental illness, it can very much affect us physically too. I wanted to try and explain in my own words what Anxiety has meant for me. Not every person with Anxiety experiences the same symptoms. They differ from person to person so I don’t speak for anyone else but myself. I just hope others can relate in some way.
What Is Anxiety To Me?
So, Anxiety for me is many things. It can be that constant feeling of dread that refuses to subside for days and seems to have come from nowhere. It’s that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that I get as I’m driving. There’s no rational reason for it, but it makes me want to stop the car and get out, as I suddenly don’t trust my own ability to drive safely. It’s the inability to eat for days on end, when no matter how much I want and need to eat, my body instantly rejects anything I put in my mouth. I couldn’t even chew without my throat constricting or gagging. It’s the feeling of wanting to be invisible in a room full of people, praying that no one looks at me or, god forbid, tries to start a conversation.
It is the feeling of going about my everyday life while feeling like a total fraud and convincing myself that every person I encounter knows I’m a fraud too. It’s the working through every possible worst-case scenario, for literally everything, in my head. Having the belief that one of those outcomes is inevitable, and the only way to avoid it is to shut myself away. The constant internal arguments within my mind, telling me I’m worthless and what’s the point in even doing anything because I’ll only fail. It’s becoming so focused on these thoughts and fears that I forget everything else I was supposed to be doing and then beat myself up for the fact that, yet again, I failed to function as a responsible adult.
It’s exhausting
The constant cycle of all of the above drains me to the point of exhaustion, and I want to completely shut myself off from the world. It makes me so tired I can barely keep my eyes open. Yet I’m unable to shut off my racing mind to allow myself to rest. It makes me believe that there’s no possible way people actually like me and that people just feel sorry for me because I come across as a bit odd, or that they’re just taking advantage of my kind and generous nature.
I could go on and on. Anxiety creeps into my life in so many ways and, at times, it feels relentless. Sometimes, I’d give anything for my brain to have an off button, just to get a break from it all. I’ve had to find ways to distract myself and to remind myself these thoughts aren’t me, it’s the anxiety.
Hidden Clarity
This year, I’ve started doing things my anxiety prevented me from doing before. Realising I can do these things, despite the fears, has given me a clarity that just wasn’t there before. I started attending a dance class. It’s something I had wanted to do for years but have never been brave enough. I even went to my first class alone. I’d never have gone alone last year, the idea would have terrified me. It wasn’t easy. The days leading up to the first class, my anxiety was sky high, but I knew if I didn’t do it then I never would.
That was a real turning point for me. I realised I could do all the things I wanted to do. What’s more, I met a lovely bunch of ladies and have gained confidence that radiates into all areas of my life. Dance has become a great way to help shut my mind off. Of course, it increases my fitness levels too which is always a good thing.
Finding The Key
Shortly after that, I began a voluntary role for a local charity. Putting myself back out there, while a terrifying prospect, wasn’t actually anywhere near as bad as I imagined. Again, it’s given a boost to my confidence and made me feel more like I do belong somewhere. I’m not quite the fraud my anxiety would have me believe. I also volunteer for another charity and thoroughly enjoy both of my roles.
Writing this actually makes me feel pretty proud of how far I’ve come. I want to reassure anyone who is currently crippled by anxiety that it isn’t permanent. You will find a way to fight it. You’ll suddenly find a strength you didn’t know you had. You don’t have to be a prisoner to the thoughts and fears our anxiety creates. I’d convinced myself I’d be stuck forever in a world of doom and gloom. Yet, I found my key and decided it was time to free myself. You’ll find your key and, when you do, you’ll be a stronger person for it.
Reproduced with permission, originally posted on itsallinyourmindvix.wordpress.com
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