How to get better?

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By Paul

Nearly 2 years ago, 1 in 4 published an article I had written. I found it the other day. I was at one of my lowest points. Shortly after writing it, despite still having some fight left at the time, I lost all hope. I didn’t want to die, I didn’t want to put my children and everyone I loved through a living hell. I just wanted how I felt to switch off, to go away.

The tightness in my chest, waking up at 4 am terrified, looking at my children and it brought me to tears. We were on the edge of a legal battle, having been accused of something my wife and I simply didn’t do. I couldn’t see a way through it. I knew we would lose and, as a result, face years of hell and I couldn’t face it.

The worst had happened as far as I was concerned. I decided the only way was to wait until everyone went out, and end my life. It was like a weight lifted as soon as I made the decision. I felt almost normal! It was all going to be over. I didn’t have to go through any of the nightmarish scenarios that I replayed every waking minute.

My Life Isn’t Mine to Take

My children and my wife went out to work and school so I began making preparations. I wrote letters. I wrote to my youngest daughter; she was 8. As I did, it dawned on me. This would ruin her whole life. I replayed all the times I felt I hadn’t been enough, hadn’t done enough. It dawned on me that no matter what I felt my shortcomings were, she didn’t care. She loved me unconditionally and always would. I realised my life wasn’t just mine. It was hers, my other children’s, my wife’s and everyone else who care. It wasn’t mine to take. Those who mattered had shares!

I figured that this was as low as I could go. That’s where I found my fight. I started to tell myself ‘everything’s ok’, ‘how I feel and what I think isn’t fact’, it’s just how I see it right now. I broke problems down into bite-size ones. Taking them on one at a time. And when they tried to overwhelm me, I mentally said: ‘NO, one at a time please’.

The legal battle loomed and I had buried my head in the sand. I figured it was better to go fighting than let things be. So, I fought. And stone me, we won! We proved we had done nothing wrong. However, the feeling, that feeling of doom, dread and impending danger remained. I hadn’t realised that just because one problem had been solved it wasn’t the solution to everything. So, I carried on.

Feelings Aren’t Fact

Feelings aren’t fact, everything’s ok now. Every day when I woke up scared or worried to the point of sickness, I tried to find something, anything to look forward to. Even just sitting down on a night watching television would do. It got me through the day, one hour at a time and things got easier. The feeling got less and I started to sleep better. I woke up and it was less of a wave over me and more of a little voice in the back of my mind which I could tell to fuck off and ignore. It’s still there, like a whisper some mornings, but I laugh to myself now. Naaaa, you won’t get me again.

I deal with problems when I have to, by not thinking about them until I need to. I don’t know what life holds but that doesn’t matter now. I’m not scared of uncertainty anymore. I have constants in my life which keep my feet on the ground and my head in the right place. All you have to do is find them and change how you think. It’s your mind remember! It doesn’t always feel like it, but it is.

I never thought I would get better and I very nearly didn’t, but I overcame it and I will never go back there to that place again. I’ll continue walking on and be the best dad, the best husband and the best person I can until it’s my time.

I Am The Storm

I’m ok now. The devil didn’t get me. He whispered, ‘You aren’t strong enough to withstand the storm’. I said then and I will say it again, ‘I AM THE FUCKING STORM, watch me go.’

To some, life is given to them. They live it without gratitude. I am grateful for everything good in my life and I won’t take it for granted. All anxiety achieved was that it made me stronger, wiser and more determined. What’s the difference between me and you? Nothing. I’m the guy you see on the train with his headphones in, the cleaner in the supermarket sweeping up and the guy you pass in the street. I’m not strong, I’m just stubborn. I will never forget how ill I was but I promise you, you can get better and you will. Feelings aren’t fact. Take your time and get knocked down but don’t stay down. You owe it to everyone to get back up and keep going. When you lose hope, you have nothing to lose by trying. Life is good❤??