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0 By AWOE
Having had an untreated mental illness for most of my life, I have become a magnet for friends, former partners and relatives at various stages of mental illness. Those who are visibly mentally ill and not seeking treatment, those who are awaiting diagnosis and treatment, those who have had treatment but struggle in its aftermath, and those who have had their mental illness successfully treated. I now choose to look at the common ground those of us suffering share, to seek a balanced perspective on mental illness.
There are so many different labels, yet so many symptomatic overlaps as well. Many within my circle have found that difficult to accept.
Breaking The Cycle
If someone is struggling with suicidal depression, they become consumed by their own feelings. They are unaware of the needs of those around them. You can say the same for someone struggling with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).
Someone diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD), as I am, is likely to be inattentive, easily distracted and avoidant. You can say the same about someone consumed by Generalised Anxiety Disorder. Making these comparisons has induced a lot of anger from those around me. Particularly the comparisons I make with those suffering from NPD and Anti-Social Personality Disorder (ASPD). People suffering from other disorders don’t want to be treated alongside others with these traits, or face further stigmatisation because of being associated with people suffering from ASPD & NPD.
There are nuances which distinguish each of those diagnoses. What I think is generally creating the mental illness epidemic we are facing, is that people’s mental illness traits are dismissed as characteristics. We demonise narcissists and sociopaths for the destruction they create, but we fail to acknowledge the root causes of why their disorders escalate into crime and abusive behaviour, for which there are various factors. It’s easier for us to write them off as lost causes rather than help them onto the long process of reform.
The Backlash
A former friend deemed me as “weak” for medicating my ADHD. In response to my solutions, they said to me, “You think empathy is going to fix all of this?!” It was because, from her perspective, I was conforming to society’s “brainwashing” by becoming more balanced with my views.
I know, from hard-earned personal experience, that mustering empathy for somebody who has shown none at all towards you, or those you love, is a tall order.
Finding a balanced perspective on mental illness has made me find compassion for others I didn’t have previously. It has even strengthened my relationships. As well as helping myself, it has lead me to supporting and helping others. I was unable to do so during the worst episodes of my mental illness.
On The Battlefront
I have a different friend who is awaiting a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) or Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (EUPD), as some psychiatrists prefer to label it. I knew nothing about her condition at first. It was I who introduced her to the diagnostic criteria for ASPD and NPD.
It was disturbing how much she obsessively labelled anyone who crossed her as “an ASPD” or “an NPD”. She also believes they are incapable of reform. Films where characters with these traits are shown to reform infuriate her and trigger frequent online meltdowns.
Likewise, I have observed people self-identifying and claiming to be diagnosed as NPD and badmouthing and stigmatising BPDs. It’s a vicious cycle. Each condition has symptoms which repel the other. There is no room for finding common ground.
Finding Answers
My friend’s behaviour was puzzling. I chose to seek answers elsewhere.
It was once I read about Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), not in an academic context, but through an article written by somebody living with BPD, that I came to understand the weight of what my friend would be dealing with. The author explained that she finds it hard to think in any way that isn’t black or white, or with any emotions other than love or hate. In other words, a balanced and centred perspective is one they cannot comprehend, as their emotional instability consumes them. Instantly, I thought of my friend.
Prior to reading this, I was prepared to write my friend off. Nothing I did for her was right, and she seemed to resent me, lashing out against me at times, inexplicably to me. I was associating her behaviour with characteristics.
I’ve now realised this friend feels threatened by the fact that I speak in a balanced way. The forgiveness for those I recognise with traits of ASPD and NPD makes her question her own clinging onto her grudges and transferring it onto others. I have come to sympathise with it making her feel uncomfortable to the point that she is aggressively self-defensive. It can be hard to find sympathy and empathy when you’re under attack.
Finding a balanced perspective on mental illness
But I no longer criticise my friend as I once did. I found that once I had some distance from her emotional intensity, I could empathise with her more naturally. I was able to analyse it from what her own perspective is likely to be. Instead of drawing upon my own rigid principles, I found a balanced view. I am finding she is starting to reach out to me again, now that I am gentler with her.
Her mental illness is a personality disorder and needs longer treatment than my own did, as only the co-morbidities can be medicated.
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I realise I am able to see this all more clearly. I’m able to step back, and I no longer feel as pained by my emotions as I once did. I wish that same sense of closure for my friend.
So, whilst finding a balanced perspective on mental illness has brought me inner peace, just be aware that achieving this will hopefully gain you inner peace, but it may also create conflict for you against those you care for and love. It takes a lot of inner strength to see this kind of recovery through, but it is worth the invaluable reward at the end, which is retaining your sanity and peace of mind.
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