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0 By Nick Coleridge
It’s taken me a long time to get cracking with this, writing is hard! I never knew the meaning of ‘writer’s block’ until now. Sometimes it just comes to you and you’re off. This first paragraph at 06:39 on a Saturday morning … how times have changed.
Reflecting on some deep stuff
This year I turn 30, which for me feels like a culmination of quite a lot of things. And is one of the main reasons I decided to pen this in the first place. Rather than sit there and complain about how apparently scary this milestone is, I have decided to use it as an opportunity to reflect on some pretty deep stuff in my life. Hopefully this will provide guidance to those who have experienced similar issues. But also act as some catharsis for me.
I think I first began to experience challenges with mental health in the early days of school. It came in the form of long periods of detachment. I’d find myself daydreaming regularly in classes and unable to focus. I was completely drifting off into my own world. Now, on the face of it for anyone at school, this sounds blindingly obvious. A complete lack of interest in Pythagoras theorem or trigonometry was enough to instil boredom in any child, right? But this was something a little more complex. I was experiencing some form of emotional detachment, a core symptom of depression.
Depression
Depression is described as a medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act. It causes feelings of sadness and/or a loss of interest in activities once enjoyed. This leads to a variety of emotional and physical problems that can decrease a person’s ability to function at both home and work.
For me, there have been periods of my life where I have been acutely aware of something just not being quite right within myself. That includes feeling removed from social situations despite appearing to an outsider as though I’m totally immersed. Ever had that feeling where you are in the loudest bar, nightclub or at a festival, yet you don’t feel like you are there at all? I know that place very well.
Other features include bouts of melancholia. Extreme emotional association to music and feelings of intense sadness, which in the most part is completely unexplained. This has characterised much of my growing up, punctuated along the way by various key moments, such as exams, leaving school, travelling and entering the world of work. There was one particular moment however which brought all of this to a head. This caused me to explore, face and now begin to understand my issues from the ground up.
Tragedy
8th January 2017 was in many respects a normal day by most London standards, fairly grim and cold. And it was the start of the first full week of work of the year and my brother and I were relaxing in readiness for this. A seemingly routine text from Dad asking if we could speak later that evening seemed pretty normal. It wasn’t however, and the call we received completely changed our lives. I remember the words clearly… he told us that Mum had died.
What transpired was that he had left the house for not much longer than an hour but returned to find her dead. The paramedics came, tried everything possible, but nothing could be done. Much of what happened after this was a blur. But shock ensues and you have many highly unpleasant things to do and arrange over the following weeks.
To provide some context, Mum had been suffering from clinical depression and was taking virtually every form of medication available. That included lithium, an awful drug used to treat extreme depressive disorders including bipolar. She’d had numerous therapists and treatments. It’s hard to say if they helped at some points and not at others. But this was extremely final and a dramatic end to, what we would later learn, years of underlying suffering.
Suicide
Suicide is still a hugely taboo subject in this country, yet it remains the biggest killer of men aged 40–45. And 2017 recorded the highest rates of female suicide for a decade. Mum was another statistic, something that seems almost generic, yet heartbreakingly so. So what happened after all of this? The circus that is experienced by loved ones after someone dies comes to an abrupt end. There is just nothing left to do but to move on with your lives. Which is exactly what I did.
I went back to work, carried on exercising and socialising and things seemed relatively normal. That is until April that year when on a plane back from the US, I started to feel pangs of anxiety at returning to the UK. Work had not been easy for those few months following Mum’s death. You are faced with the enormity of what’s happened and how different your life will be going forward. This is coupled with the day to day grind and the need to be ‘on the ball’. And trying to act as if you can cope with the smallest things.
What next? A journey of discovery
I’d never really experienced anxiety up until that point. Like most things I thought it was something that happened to other people, a bit like losing a parent really. Depression and anxiety were not things I knew much about. At least not until the past year, where we all got to know the severity of Mum’s condition. By this point though I was beginning to crack.
I couldn’t focus in the office, was agitated by the smallest of things and felt an overwhelming sense of panic for no apparent reason. I should say at this point I had started to see a therapist, who I continue to see even now, just with less frequency. So I was exploring some of the trauma that I’d experienced.
One day though, that was it. I arrived at work, sat down and just stared blankly at the screen unable to do anything remotely constructive. It got worse and I went to the toilet, having to prop myself up against the wall. I could feel my breathing getting faster. I guess this was a panic attack, who knows. Anyway I spoke to my boss and HR director and we agreed I would take some extended leave. This ended up being a month and I had zero contact with anything work related which was hugely liberating.
How I used free time
So what did I do with this time? Well I exercised, a lot! Something I’ll touch more on later and the power it has to heal mental pain. I also took a very hard look at myself, my personality and my life choices to date. I didn’t like much of what I saw at all quite frankly. I’d lived a pretty cosseted existence up until this point. A stable home life. My parents loved travelling and we had always benefited from this as a family, travelling to all sorts of places in the world on very nice holidays. Also 14 years of private education. All in all a very comfortable existence.
I started making endless lists of things to do and accomplish. Most of them were material and completely pointless goals. They actually pushed me even further into an unhappy state. I began to compare myself to others, something else I’d been doing subconsciously for a number of years. Feeling acutely inadequate and resentful of my situation and place in the world. This reared its head a number of times. And I pushed myself into corners, thinking I’d never get out and feel content with life.
But…
Everything was wrong: work, I didn’t feel right socially, fitness wasn’t good enough. I was never going to become ‘successful’ (in the way I’d always interpreted that word, usually materially and financially). I was uneducated, so what was the point? Therapy sessions were getting more intensive, including a couple of panic FaceTime calls because my ruminating had gotten so bad. This is something so dangerous and critical to all of this. Learning to quieten your mind is one of the most underrated things you can learn to do, trust me!
I decided I should return to work. Some people told me it was too soon and that I should consider waiting, even change jobs. But it felt right and I was determined not to let these dark times beat me and knew I had to try and push through it.
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I’m learning
Fast forward to the end of 2017 and I had made some progress, although not a finished article by any stretch of the imagination. I have learnt that I am probably susceptible to mental health issues due to hereditary reasons. My Grandad on my Mum’s side was a military policeman during WW2 and he would have to ride over minefields. Couple this with having also been on the beach on D-Day, is enough to send anybody mad.
There is no question that my Mum’s death provided a very unpleasant and harrowing catalyst for these issues to surface in my life. And forced me to face them head on and try and interpret my thoughts, feelings, behaviours and choices. I’m still on that journey. Like much of self-development speak will tell you, the journey is unlikely to end. You just change as an individual in the way you handle situations and people and learn coping mechanisms, cultivate values which ultimately guide you through life’s shit, of which there is a lot! Life is hard, I’ve learnt this. But in the words of Mark Manson (author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck), when you choose your problems, you get a better life!
My journey
What I want to do now is share some things I have learnt along the way, and give advice to those who may be suffering with similar issues or know someone who is. Whether it’s that quarter life crisis – I had a huge one of those! – navigating work issues or just generally feeling a little low at times. These are the core things I have learnt and that have helped immensely with my journey over the past year or so. DISCLAIMER: these are not right or wrong so please form your own views and apply whatever bits you feel benefit you the most, there’s a lot of crap out there written in books about self-development.
I am also not a finished article as I’ve said, I still have my issues, I’ve just learnt to deal with some of them more constructively and I hope this will provide you the ability to do the same.
What I’ve learnt
1. SELF-AWARENESS
From the ancient Greek aphorism “know thyself”. But broadly defined as having a clear perception of your personality, including strengths, weaknesses, thoughts, beliefs, motivation and emotions. Self-awareness allows you to understand other people, how they perceive you, your attitude and your responses to them in the moment.
This for me has been hugely enlightening; cultivating this in your daily life seems simple right? Yet there are people who go through most of their lives being completely unaware of the above. Understanding yourself or at least starting to figure it out provides the clarity, which is all too often lost when experiencing anxiety and depression. You ruminate like hell about things that don’t help at all and it clouds your judgement, leading to something even more damaging – self-criticism.
Take some time out to understand what motivates you, what you don’t like and what you’re good at etc. Accept that this may uncover some unpleasant truths and it’s supposed to. But it leads to something greater, Confidence!
2. DON’T COMPARE, IT’S DANGEROUS!
I was terrible at this and sometimes still have to check myself to stop doing it. For me it’s pretty simple. There will always be someone who is better than you at something, earns more or has more, got better grades, whatever. But focus on YOURSELF. Why would you spend time looking at what others have accomplished or accumulated when you could be focusing your attention on creating your own situation?
It’s tough in our 20s. We’ve all been there at the party, wedding or social situ where you think, “shit what am I doing with myself, I’m not good enough because of X or Y?” Quit it! It’s catastrophic for your state of mind and clouds your judgement, pushing you into bad mental habits. Social media is rife with this. Manage your intake and remember it’s filtered, use it to your advantage, not as a hindrance.
3. CULTIVATE A SET OF CORE VALUES
This one takes some thinking but I’m convinced of its effects. If a company has values by which they engage in their work or service then we should have them as individuals. My Mum was a woman of strong values and she never deviated from these. Whether it was treating people with respect or saying no to things she did not agree with or that did not sit well with her. These values I believe can help guide you through whatever life throws at you, allowing you to navigate life on your own terms. I’ll keep mine to myself but they are definitely helping.
4. EXERCISE!
Clinically proven to improve mental wellbeing, sleep and memory this is one of the most potent ways to manage your mental health. And it’s played a huge part in me overcoming and managing some of my own issues. Make it as intense as possible. I can particularly recommend a Barry’s bootcamp class, one of the only places my mind is truly in the moment. And I’m completely focused on what I’m doing. Rumination and worry disappear in that room and the endorphin rush is amazing. If you take nothing else from this article make this one your priority, it works!
5. AUDIT YOUR LIFE
This can be uncomfortable. There’s a lot of ‘No’ involved … just warning you. Taking a good hard look at your life, the things and the people in it can help provide that much-needed clarity to deal with mental health issues. Saying no to things is one of the best things you can do.
My early and mid twenties were characterised by being in a thousand places at once, countries even. There is this overwhelming need to be at every party and event. This creates stress and causes us to feel like we are not doing what we should be doing because there is always something else to do! This is precisely the problem; it comes down to prioritisation, of people and situations.
Family comes first for me now, time directed towards this is better than any party or social situation. And it provides the much needed sanctuary from life’s incessant bullshit to be who you’re supposed to be and fully PRESENT! Remove the crap and things get much clearer. Declutter your life of ‘stuff’ as well, accumulating things you really don’t need just provides more distraction and opportunity for overthinking.
6. GET A THERAPIST
I’m particularly passionate about this one as I have benefited enormously from seeing a therapist. After Mum died I went into quite intense therapy to deal with the trauma of what had happened. This then developed into more of a personal angle and the frequency of sessions dropped off, now just once a month.
It aggravates me that we are not better equipped in the UK to deal with this and open up access to therapy to everyone. NHS waiting lists to see a therapist are roughly 6 months. If you’re in a bad enough spot this might just be the end if you are told that. I’m fortunate that I see someone privately but wish more could be done to open up access for all to this.
Sitting and discussing everything that’s wrong with you in front of someone who doesn’t know you takes guts to do. But it also provides a completely independent and non-judgemental platform from which to begin to repair yourself. Give it some serious thought and if you are unsure, I hope this gives you enough of a nod to go ahead and give it a try.
7. RECOMMENDATIONS
Here are a couple of recommendations that have helped me…
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck — Mark Manson
This was a total game changer for me. I’m on listen no5 on Audible and have now mentally annotated it to the point where I regularly refer back to the ideas explored. Mark writes in such a succinct way that removes a lot of the fluff often found in this type of read. It’s easy to assimilate and apply, which is really the most important thing. Complete game-changer. Check his website too for further wisdom www.markmanson.net
Headspace — App
This took a while to engage me if I’m honest, the thought of sitting still for just 10 minutes breathing and focusing on nothing chaotic was so alien to me that I thought I’d really struggle. This App is great for focusing the mind and being fully present. Andy Puddicombe, Headspace founder has done a great job of creating this easy to interpret platform and the meditation game has taken off globally. People now incorporate it into their lives in the same way that they do physical exercise. Exactly what needs to be happening to combat mental health issues. After all what’s the difference between training your body vs your mind? Not a lot.
https://www.headstogether.org.uk/ — a group of charities backed by the royal family, including Mind.
http://www.mindsatworkmovement.com/ a fantastic collective group I’m involved with focused on encouraging better mental health in the workplace and ending that stigma
https://iam1in4.com — Blog dedicated to individual stories around Mental Health.
There is hope
I hope this helps, there are too many people suffering out there but it’s important to know there is hope. Sometimes that’s all you need and I will continue on that journey, now better equipped as well as continuing to campaign for better mental health.
This article is dedicated to my incredible Mum, Caroline. She was such a huge light in so many people’s lives and a huge inspiration to me. I only wonder what might have happened if she’d explored her issues that much earlier in life, perhaps things may have been different…
Reproduced with permission, originally posted on
https://medium.com/@nick.coleridge/opening-up-the-bonnet-on-my-mental-health-a9ef2525e298
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Thank you for your blog. Really sorry about you mum. I lost my brother and learned about his death very coldly via an email. I was bullied at work (Pret A Manger) during traumatic bereavement which I share extensively on my site. I have become severely ill and have been for 3 yrs thru the NHS system and hoe I can get some kind of diagnosis at some point to understand why I did what I did. Keep writing.