Losing Balance

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By Sara-Jane Morphew

There are times, as a mental ill-health sufferer, when all is going well and you think you have it sorted. You are working, being mum/dad, cleaner, cook, lover, nurse, friend. Then you realise, usually later than is necessary, that actually the balance is all wrong. You get so busy being well you forget how you got there. Forget what you did to get yourself there. You get so busy being well that you forget that you are ill. You start losing balance.

I cannot say I forgot I was ill. I talk about it all the time! But I did forget what I need. What I did to get myself to the place where I was well. I haven’t written for so long I cannot remember the last time I took pen to paper creatively. I’ve not sketched, drawn, doodled, coloured in, sewn, created anything for too long. I haven’t meditated, been to yoga class, been for a walk for the sake of a walk, I have forgotten that these things are integral to me. These are the things that I need, to recharge, to be able to function in the real world, in the world of work and motherhood. I forgot that these were the things that I had to do regularly to make me well.

I’ve been too busy being well, getting back to work, doing all the things that ‘need’ to be done at home, being a super mum. I have forgotten to look after myself. I’ve been falling down a dark hole for longer than I care to think about. I’ve not been eating or drinking well. Eating all the wrong things, too much sugar and fat and not enough green! Too much work, not enough breaks, too much running around, too much!

Time to reassess

It’s time to stop, time to reassess, time to remember what it is that I need and want to be well again.

I do not want to stop work and I don’t think I have got to that point yet. I’m hoping I have caught myself early enough to climb out of the rabbit hole without having to stop everything. I need to make sure I am having time off, and to remember that work doesn’t stop when I leave the workplace, I come home and start all over again, with boys and home life.

If I have a day off work once a week, when the boys are in school, I can have some peace. Some time to recharge, to fit in a yoga session, meditation, or just have time to be. I need to make sure that there is some extended time where I am not going from one thing to another. Not chasing my tail around all the time. When I’m not doing school run, work, school run, mum time, dinner, chores, wife time, bed, sleep, wake do it all again. I need peace, I need time to recharge.

So this is where I am now. Not feeling very good, struggling to keep myself together most of the time, trying to re-find my balance. Right now it feels like I’m falling, falling down the rabbit hole. Falling into a pit and I just can’t stop it. Probably from the outside and to most people, I’m just normal, I’m up and dressed, functioning, doing everything I should be doing. But behind closed doors, away from my husband and children, I am a wreck. Intrusive thoughts haunt me at my darkest moments. Thoughts of not being here any more, thoughts of running, thoughts of disappearing, thoughts of not being. I know these thoughts will pass. I know I will feel well again. Just bear with me while I find my balance again.

I’m sorry I’ve been losing balance

Thank you to all those I have reached out to. To those who tried to rearrange their plans so I could have a break from myself. To those who check on me, to those I keep ignoring, keep pushing away, to those I am sorry. For those messages I haven’t replied to, those plans I have avoided or cancelled, I’m sorry. To my children, for shouting, for not playing, for not always having a smile, I’m sorry. To my husband, for not having the brain space to listen, for not having patience, for not being happy, for having no energy, for not always having a dinner plan, for not cleaning the house, for being a drain on your resources, I’m sorry.

I know I’m hard to be around sometimes. I’m sorry I’ve lost my balance, I’m wobbling, I just need a little help, a little peace, a readjustment and I’ll be Sara-Jane again soon.

From Lala, with love xx