The Cost of Recovery

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By Laura

I have been recovering from OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) for over 6 months, after a very bad year. I tried 5 different medicines and a variety of therapies. In the end, I’ve found that Clomipramine works fairly well for me. I have fewer compulsions, my skin has healed from my chronic itching and my suicidal thoughts are dying down. My obsessions around eating have been resolved, or at least I am able to ignore them for the most part.

But do the side-effects — the cost of recovery — outweigh the benefit?

It’s uncomfortable and unsustainable

Previously, I suffered from binge cycles (with purging) and occasional phases of restricting to extreme levels. Now, I have no desire to purge or to restrict. I just have a desire to eat…

I am eating a lot since starting this medicine. My appetite has increased dramatically, and the usual hidden binge cycles have just become fairly normal. I can no longer eat one or two of something; I eat the full amount, whether this is a punnet of grapes, a box of cereal or a multipack of pretty much anything.

My illness – or recovery – has a physical presence; it’s tightening my jeans and making me uncomfortable. I am storing water like I never have previously, it’s uncomfortable and unsustainable.

I am struggling to understand how far this can go before the cost of recovery becomes a trigger itself?