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0 By Kirsty
Internally, metaphorically, I’ve been wading through black sticky waist-deep tar the last two weeks. At least, that’s how I just described it to S. But here is how I turned a depressive episode into an opportunity.
I came to bed at 8:30pm, when I realised how drained I felt, how much the regular noises of domesticity were grating on me. When I realised how badly I wanted to escape. To breathe.
I want to be alone… but I feel so lonely
I read for half an hour, idly flick through my phone, realising how terribly tired I am. S comes up with youngest, sees my face.
‘Why don’t you sleep?’
I nod. Youngest bounces around the room asking questions about everything and nothing. I burrow under the duvet, just my eyes and top of head showing. A hand poking out the side.
I want to be alone.
I feel so lonely.
Youngest leaves. Big light goes off. S starts talking to me about sleep. My eyes plead for something, I don’t even know what. Tears fill them.
A whispered, desperate ‘It’s not just about sleep though’ from me.
The tears spill over. I feel cold despair pressing down on me so heavily, pressing me into the mattress. This is the pinnacle, I realise. It has been building up to this for two weeks. S takes my hand; I barely feel it.
I tell him I’m struggling
‘I’ve been really struggling the last couple of weeks.’
He starts ‘Ok, so just slow down if you feel overwhelmed….’
‘I have. I’m not doing anything. I don’t feel overwhelmed this time, I feel….’
I don’t know how to articulate how I feel, I just want to be held tightly.
I’m wading through tar
‘I’ve been struggling… I’m spending my days just sitting… I wait… don’t know what to do with myself… I feel so lonely… I’m just always waiting… I feel cold all the time… this weather… I’m drained… no energy… I just sit… I’m not looking after myself… my hair is disgusting, my skin… I haven’t been out, I haven’t danced in a fortnight… Can’t bring myself to… I feel so disgusting and blergh… I’m so so lonely… I have no energy… I’m so tired… I can’t stand noise… my legs have been hurting, burning. I don’t know why they do that… the mornings are almost painful… I’m struggling… I’m just sitting all day… wasting the days, wasting myself… my limbs, my body, feel so heavy and I feel so disgusting… I need spring to start… I’ve been struggling so much… it’s like wading through a thick sticky tar.’
I need him to understand
I’m dragging the words out from myself in stops and starts as the tears fall. I so want to give him an accurate account so he might understand. I’m feeling so alone. I need someone to understand it!!!! Please, just get it!!!
1in4 UK Book Store:
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S’s advice:
“So stop trying to fight through this tar. Stop trying to get there faster”
I’ve not got much to say to that. I’m not trying to get anywhere particularly fast. If I stopped trying anything I probably wouldn’t leave my bed, and go from just sitting all day to simply sleeping.
Turning a depressive episode into an opportunity
He leaves me to sleep. And I take the opportunity to write this post because depression is hard enough to describe at the best of times and I find I do it most accurately as I’m living it. That’s some silver lining; I can turn each crash or depressive episode into an opportunity.
As the song goes…
Isnt it ironic? Don’t you think?
Much Love
Kirsty
UNITED STATES
UNITED KINGDOM
[…] But as long as you turn your darkness into something positive and take advantage of whichever opportunity comes your way, never mind the rest of the […]